The Semi-Regular

Bennifer, Part Deux

2005-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Bennifer Waits for the Short Bus

Looks like the former Mr. B-Lo is wising up and hedging his bets. The NYPost's Page Six reports that for the second coming of the Bennifer phenomenon, Affleck decided to give Jennifer Garner a 4.5 carat Harry Winston rock instead of the 6.1 carat pink Harry Winston diamond that he bestowed upon the queen of budonkadonk herself, Ms. Lopez. Meanwhile, Harry Winston laughs all the way to the bank and waits for the next woman to fall prey to a career-ending marriage to Ben Affleck.

New Pope (Similar to, but not as tasty as Original Formula)

2005-04-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

"Eat Papal Shit Bookies! What? I don't get a cut?"

Blah blah blah...something about a new Pope?

Joe Ratzinger (what, is he from the Bronx?) edging out late-leading favorite Francis Arinze of Nigeria, emerged from a puff of white smoke as Pope Benedictus XVI today, after the 115 members of the conclave toked from a giant Vatican hookah for the 2nd day straight (come on, Arinze - puff puff pass.)

Reuters reported that Irish bookmaker Paddy Power had Ratzinger at "3-1 two days ago. Now he's down to 6-1 and 11-2, so he's sliding all the time. People aren't putting money on him anymore" while "Arinze, 72, had leapt to first place on Paddy Power's site and to second place on both William Hill's and Intertops."

So if you stuck it out with Ratzy, nice job. Now he'll make sure you go to hell for gambling, along with gays, readers of the DaVinci code, stem-cell researchers and those of you who sport a jimmy-wrap or pop birth control pills.

LA, Where Even the Bums Go To the Salon...

2005-04-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

From the city that brings you wide-eyed midwestern transplants, with bleached blonde hair and big fake tits and aspirations to suck some low rung producer's dick for a B-movie audition, comes what could only come from a retarded place like LA: The Homeless Spa / Gym / Hair Salon / Playroom.

The Christian Science Monitor (we never understood that oxymoron, and what the fuck are they monitoring anyway? Because it gives us the creeps.) has the details on Midnight Mission, which sounds like a back-alley porn video production company but in reality is a $17 million modernist, steel and glass structure equipped with a full-sized state-of-the-art gymnasium, library, playroom (wha?), hair salon, education center, and professional kitchen.

Hey - although we appear to be cold, heartless bastards, the Semi-Regular understands that progress of a society is measured by the number of institutions it has to take care of those unable to do so by themselves (or some bullshit like that...we slept through our sociology classes), but what the fuck? This makes us want to give up everything (which admittedly, is really nothing) and be homeless in LA. Sure beats sucking a dick for a dolla (so we've heard)...

Red Sox Fan Deserves An Ass-Whupping (or at least a late-nite phone call at home)

2005-04-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

What a Dipshit

So we're watching the Yankees - Red Sox game last nite and what the fuck happens in the 8th inning? Some fucking moron at Fenway decides to interfere with the play and smacks Sheffield in the face as he chases a live ball, which is clearly in play, down the right field seats.

Now Ron Artest aftermath or not, we'd be fucking pissed if we were Sheffield. Here's a game that's hanging in the balance and some fucking smegma-dicked turd decides to hit us in the face when we're trying to do our job? Hmm...we say "fuck that".

Well, the play winds up scoring 2 Red Sox runs and decides the game in their favor. So if you're like mostly everyone else outside of Boston and are sick of hearing about the goddamn "miraculous, curse-breaking" Red Sox World Series win from last year, feel free to let CHRISTOPHER ("Chris") HOUSE of DORCHESTER, MA know what a fucking douchebag he is and that you've sodomized his fianceé with his brother's highschool basketball trophy. Seriously. Please call him (even though AP is reporting that calls to his listed phone number leads to a message that his voicemailbox is full, it's fun to wake him at all hours of the night!) and send your regards.

(and yes, Chris, your phone number is publicly available)

Or, you could try contacting his fianceé, who the Boston Herald kindly notes is Jodi Ingebritson, founder of a little webshop curiously named "Abl@zing Designs" (the "@" makes it cool and high-tech.) We think a particularly effective campaign would be to send messages to her email account asking her to withhold sex from little Chris until he learns his lesson (proper atonement would be his absence at future Yankees games at Fenway, seeing that he's a season ticket holder.)

Thanks Jodi! We appreciate your help. We would be inclined to feel a little bad for you here, but then again, you are marrying this jackass....

Go Yankees! Fuck you Chris House! Oh, c'mon Chris - lest we get carried away here, we're just having a little fun with you. You know we're only kidding, right? Well, not really...but we sure feel better after our little rant.

Sweeeeet Bong, Man....

2005-04-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

The Times Argus in Vermont is reporting that Nickolas Buckalew, 17, was arrested for exhuming a three year-old corpse and removing it's head. Why would the Morrisville teen need to steal a human skull from a gravesite?

"Court documents said the suspect allegedly talked of using the man's head as a "bong," a pipe for smoking marijuana."

He faces up to 25 years in prison for what he believes may have been the sweetest bong ever. Because you know you've never really been high unless you've smoked a bowl from a human skull.

Apparently, Being Ugly Sucks

2005-04-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

We posted a story below that noted how uglies were less likely to get raises and get ahead in their professional careers. As if that weren't bad enough for you freaky-looking people, it turns out your parents didn't love you because you were, well, ugly.

"A researcher at the University of Alberta has shown that parents are more likely to give better care and pay closer attention to good-looking children compared to unattractive ones." Chalk it up to our natural Darwinian responses, Dr. Andrew Harrell explains.

So true - I mean, why take care of a kid that no one will want to bang in the future? And if some kindly, drunk soul with thick beer goggles does procreate with your hideous-looking it-child, are you sure you're prepared for years of faking painful, forced smiles at your horrendous looking grandspawn?

CNN/Money Tips for Higher Salaries (Sorry uglies, fatties and shorties)

2005-04-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

Short, overweight, needlessly smug idiot vs. lanky, homely, geeky dork? Let's call this one a draw.

CNN/Money reports on a Fed Reserve study that shows "beautiful" people make on average about 5% more in salary than their toadier counterparts. And because we love you so, no matter how nasty you look, the Semi-Regular has created this handy-dandy reference chart for you feeble-minded ugly simpletons:

-Pretty people - we get a 5% raise. if you're a man and you're tall, tack on an additional 1.8% salary increase per inch over the average height!

-Uglies - sorry, but you get hit with an additional 9% "fugly tax"!

-Fatties (ladies in particular) - you get assessed a whopping 17% chubby tariff!

Sorry, but we don't make the rules. So, if you happen to be a short, fat, ugly hermaphrodite, here's our advice - don't spend that Xmas bonus this year before you actually have it in your tiny, chubby, warty little hands. And if we may, might we suggest replacing that horrendous beak of yours with a perky little Michelle Pfieffer number, having some lipo done and scoring some lifts? And for god's sake, haven't you heard of Botox?

Please, claw my eyes out...

2005-04-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

But really, what the fuck were you doing watching?
Photo and hysterical caption via Drudge, natch.

Oh god - my eyes! My fucking eyes!

MyWay has an AP report that chronicles the horrible fate suffered by Jackson employee Ralph Chacon:

"Former security guard Ralph Chacon said Thursday he had seen Jackson kiss, fondle and perform oral sex on a [10-year old]boy who later received a financial settlement from the pop star...The boy received a financial settlement, reportedly between $15 million and $20 million, from Jackson in 1994."

Ahh - MJ....making child prostitution lucrative again. He's all about children's rights - a true humanitarian!

This Pussy Got Fingered...

2005-04-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

You gotta love the Post. Here's the follow-up to a story we posted earlier this week.

Your Quote of the Week...

2005-04-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

Jane says: She's Fonda her big clit!

...brought to you by the newly single (and apparently ginormously-clitorised) Jane Fonda (Go get'em over-50 lovers!)

"It's not easy to study your vagina. It takes commitment ... I found my clitoris, of course, and for a good year was sure it was a penis waiting to be liberated ...then Ted asked me to insert my clitoris/mini-penis into his wrinkly gray behind.." (ok, we made that last part up, but you know he did.)

The NYDN has a few more of the snippets you've always wanted to know about the former Ms. Ted Turner. And if you just can't get enough self-abuse, then by all means torture yourself with her new autobiography.

Kids Say: 0ral S3x R00lz d00d!

2005-04-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

Ahh...Google News. You bring us the news that shapes the world.

What Kind of Pussy Beats His Girlfriend?

2005-04-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

Engorged Pussy Stretched to the Limit?

A Big one!

Vincent Pastore, aka the Soprano's "Big Pussy", put the beatdown on his girlfriend / fiancée, Lisa Regina in Little Italy this weekend.

The Post reports that Pussy "began beating Regina in the car and smashed her head against the dashboard," and "then stopped his SUV in front of 284 Mott St., dragged her out of the vehicle by her hair and slammed her to the ground, where she injured her tailbone."

What gets this pussy all hot and bothered? According to Regina's lawyer Jeff Schwartz, Pussy was "enraged and accused the 44-year-old woman of delaying the start of their journey by being late." (to visit her parents)

So there you have it. No Pussy likes a late comer. (Oh, we couldn't help ourselves.)

Drudge Can't Wait for Pope to Die

2005-04-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Drudge was reporting earlier today that the Pope had bit the dust, but then heard that "ITALY'S SKY ITALIA QUOTING VATICAN SOURCES SAYS POPE'S BRAIN, HEART STILL FUNCTIONING... "(caps his) and then offered this time-honored journalist's excuse: "Italian media gave contradictory reports about Pope John Paul's vital signs on Friday, first saying his heart and brain activity had stopped and then reporting this was not true... Developing..."

Ok. Settle down Drudge. I guess they didn't teach you anything about independent confirmation of news from legitimate sources at fake-journalism school. Yes Matt, you have to wait patiently for the Pope to die, just like everyone else does. No one likes to be scooped on April Fools Day. Just be thankful that you'll soon be able to reuse that initial graphic and headline you had up earlier.

OH GOD NO

2005-03-31T18:26:00.000-08:00

Do NOT click on this link. I REPEAT. DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK.

....unless you want vomit on your screen and to be emotionally and psychologically scarred for life.

Hey - HEY. Didn't we tell you NOT to click on that link?

Excuse us - we're going to wipe the residual puke from our chins and find a butter knife to gouge our own eyes out with. Please let me scrape this horrific image from my prefrontal lobe...

Why Biometrics Sucks

2005-03-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

Well, it was bound to happen...

The BBC reports that a machete wielding Malaysian gang jacked local rich guy K. Kumaran's Mercedes S-Class. Too bad for Kumaran, he thought having a biometric fingerprint recognition-based ignition system would be pretty slick. So the carjackers stripped him down and chopped off his index finger. We're not sure, however, how long that's gonna last on a keychain in that Kuala Lumpur humidity..

Good thing he didn't go with the iris-scan option....ouch.

Al Reynolds's Pain Continues...

2005-03-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

...like a rented mule...

The Post reports that Al Reynolds showed up for Alan Cummings's erotica reading (do with that what you will) and made a beeline for the giftbags. The Post sez: "We can only imagine what the newlyweds did when he got home with his swag, which included a pair of furry handcuffs, a whip and a bottle of Svedka vodka."

We can...and it involved Al getting piss drunk, handcuffing Star to the bedpost and flogging that bitch silly for making him marry her.

Terri's Still Got a Lot to Say...

2005-03-30T23:54:00.000-08:00

Fuck - everyone's blogging these days!

Update: And as of this Thursday morning, that's all she wrote.
-----

Well, it's been, what, almost 2 weeks since they removed her feeding tube? But Terri's keeping busy, sharing her most intimate thoughts and keen insights on her very own blog!

We think the statement she released this past Sunday was perhaps her most profound, yet controversial that she's made to date. While we can see the point she's making, we tend to agree more with her earlier comments from the previous Friday.

"He Said the Medicine was in His Pee Pee"

2005-03-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

Ummm....

PSA of the Day:

Unless your children are regular visitors at the Neverland Ranch, we recommend not taking your children here.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

(via BoingBoing)

Next Time, Do Your Own Stunts

2005-03-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

Gallo's Pecker Not Up to Task?

This onscreen blowjob just can't get enough publicity.

It's experienced a premiere (and subsequent panning) at Cannes, it's own billboard in Hollywood, and finally, it's very own scandal!

Jacob Christner, who claims he was Gallo's stunt cock, which Chloe blew in The Brown Bunny, says he's breaking his confidentiality clause and cumming forward because he hasn't been paid yet by Gallo for his "performance". Boo hoo. :-(

Didn't get paid for having your cock smoked in a movie!?!? Hollywood - she's a cruel motherfelcher. Christner says in a press release, in perhaps the most profound statement to ever come out of Tinseltown, "I'm very disappointed. I was assured by the producers that I was gonna ride Vincent Gallo's dick all the way to Hollywood but it looks like I've gotten the shaft."

And in a related post today, Chloe Sevigny complains to the Post about actors who talk about themselves too much, "I'd rather not know so much about actors. It makes it harder for me to enjoy the characters they play."

Riiiiight.... So you might want to follow your own advice. You're making it hard for me to enjoy your character in the film in which you regurgitate some trouser snake.

Bonus points: Happen to be familiar with Christner or Gallo's unit? Feel free to see if you can tell who's dick is in Chloe's mouth. (NSFW, unless your HR dept likes blowjobs as much as well, everyone else seems to....) Let us know what you find out.

Billy Idol's Pubes Can Scour Your Pots and Pans

2005-03-24T15:16:00.000-08:00

"It's a nice day for a ball shaving"

BREAKING NEWS:

Billy Idol shaves his grey pubes.

According to a quote in Maxim, Billy sez: "I shaved my balls - they were going grey, so I shaved them. It's like steel wool down there!"

Steel wool? Ouch. The constant shaving might be leaving his short and (grey) curlies a touch coarse. I'd suggest tweezing or waxing, but um...double ouch. Maybe he should just keep rocking the grey fuzz on his junk or hit it with some Just for Men.

That is all. You may return to your youthful appearing pubic hair-filled lives now.

Houston, We Have A Problem....Again...

2005-03-24T11:43:00.001-08:00

Crack is Whack, but mmm...so tasty

The NY Daily News reports that our favorite crackhead-in-denial, Whitney Houston, is back in rehab.

No one should be surprised by this, nor should anyone really give a shit, but we wanted an excuse - any excuse - to post one of the greatest quotes from an interview ever (as told to Diane Sawyer on Primetime live):

"I make too much [money] for me to ever smoke crack. ... Crack is whack."

That's right baby - you stay classy girl, mmmkay?

David Spade + Penis Nose = Owen Wilson

2005-03-21T16:03:00.000-08:00

Spade - A little cocky?

It took awhile for people to finally notice the lil' pecker that David Spade was sporting on his schnozz when hosting SNL a week and a half ago, but here it is in all it's glory.

The skit had Spade playing Owen Wilson sporting his famous dicknose. Judging from the size of the prosthetic, it appears that the mold was taken from lil' David Spade himself.

We always thought that the weird shape on Owen Wilson's beak was from a broken nose, but I guess we were wrong - it appears to be the dorsal vein from his penis proboscis.

The Tao Of Britney

2005-03-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

The Oracle of Spears, in repose

The media has been all over the current Michael Jackson pedophile case but the one savvy media pundit who has been conspicuously absent is the sagacious Britney Spears - until now.

Like pearls of wisdom from a scholarly grandmaster, Britney proclaims to Allure magazine, "He needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'"

Teach us more, master.

And so proclaimeth the wise barefoot sage of gas station bathrooms: "And if he didn't do those things, I feel sorry for him. Either way, he needs to get in a fight."

Your insights continue to astound us.

Apparently, the Oracle of Spears later decided that she was not pleased with the quotes attributed to her in Allure. She decreed that "...In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art".

Ahh yes, her art. Touché, Britney. Your brilliance knows no bounds.

Jerking Off Online Just Got Easier

2005-03-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

The Sound of One Hand Mousing

IBM annouced that they've developed a mouse adaptor that helps the user to engage in the incredibly awkward (and yet, extremely popular) activity of masturbating while computing.

The breakthrough came when engineers developed an algorithm that reduces "hand tremors" (much like the ones utilized by image stabilization sensors on video cameras).

Yeah, OK. Fine. It was really developed to help those who suffer from hand tremors caused by Parkinson's and such. But c'mon. Let's not miss the forest for the trees here, right?

Swallowing Anything At Dentist's Office Is NOT Encouraged

2005-03-15T11:02:00.000-08:00

Sperm - Now With Extra Whitening Power

Semen appears to be the assault weapon of choice as of late. Former Charlotte, NC dentist, Dr. John "Jizzocaine" Hall, has been indicted on seven counts of assaulting women with his semen-in-a-syringe™ after six women stepped forward claiming that the Doc had made them swallow what they believed was his semen, squirted into their mouths with the aforementioned contraption.

"I have never injected semen in any patient's mouth," said Dr. Jizz. "I never would. I've got a 10-year-old daughter. That whole concept is so beyond me." (oh sure, the "I've got a 10-year old" defense...)

Unfortunately for the Doc, the police confiscated syringes from his office which DNA tests subsequently found to contain traces of one John Hall's semen. D'oh.

So let this be a lesson for you all. Never - EVER - swallow anything at the dentist's office. Hell - I've only ever heard the dentist ask me to spit.

P.S. - kudos to you if you know these women. Apparently, they suck a lot of dick and are so familiar with the taste of semen that they can place it even when squirted into the backs of their mouths with a syringe.

I Said I Like Nuts In It, Not Nut Sauce...

2005-03-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

Otis Spunkmeyer Brownies

We're coming across a theme here at the Semi-Regular this week - semen filled pastries!

This time, instead of a horse-jizz cream pie (which, in our book, wins the creativity bake-off), a Coeur d'Alene, Idaho teen decides to season a batch of brownies with his freshly squeezed nut sauce, which was subsequently eaten by three other teens he sent it to.

What would prompt someone to add his very own baby batter to a bowl of brownie batter (well, besides the obvious humor and highjinks guaranteed to ensue)? Apparently, in a game of food terrorism one-up-manship, our teenage Pillsbury Doughboy decided to spread some poppin' fresh spunk to the brownies after the recipient of said brownies had put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich a few days earlier. According to the police report, he "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain."

Oh. That scale of escalation makes sense.

Defense Attorney: So let me get this straight, you added your own semen to brownies and fed those to the victims?
Teen: Yes sir.
Defense Attorney: And why did you do that?
Teen: Well, they put peanut butter on my cheese sandwich.
Defense Attorney: That's terrible - how did that make you feel?
Teen: Well, I HATE peanut butter.
Defense Attorney: Well, did you think your friends like the taste of your semen?
Teen: Uh...I...uh...dunno. But they did eat all the brownies, so.....um......yes?
Defense Attorney: No further questions your honor.

AND........scene.

No one should tell him about these, or else Little Debbie might be on the receiving end of some sperm-filled Ring Dings.

Horse Jizz Pie Flinging Editor Hates On Pope

2005-03-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

We don't know how many of you follow the New York media (incestuous, self-absorbed cesspool that it is - that's why we love it!) so in case you missed it, New York Press Editor-in-Chief Matt Taibbi was fired yesterday for his article "The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope."

Blah blah fucking blah. Who gives a shit, right?

Well, we didn't really either. But the NY Post (that paragon of highbrow journalism) reported that this wasn't the first time Matt got the NY Media all riled up. The Post reports that "In 2001, while editor of the wacky, ex-pat magazine the Exile, Taibbi burst into the Moscow office of The New York Times and flung a cream pie filled with horse sperm into the face of bureau chief Michael Wines."

So many questions to ask! Did he fly all the way to Moscow just to fling the jizz pie? How did he sneak into the building carrying a jizz pie unnoticed? Where do you get a horse jizz pie? (That must be a lot of horse jizz!) Did he make the pie in Russia or did he make it in NY and get it onto the plane somehow? Was he tempted to taste it? And Michael, since you were on the receiving end of that facial, how did it taste?

Now if we could get the New York media to answer those questions, we'd finally have some news that's fit to print.

"Crazy Big" Assault Tit

2005-03-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

"Don't make me come over there and smack you with this..."

When you're trying to start a new life and want to be less noticeable, it makes sense to have your size 69 - HH tits reduced to a more manageable handful or five.

Tawny Peaks (how original, sounds so outdoorsy and wholesome!), a former Miami stripper who was the first person ever to be charged and later cleared of battering a Florida stripclub patron with her "crazy big breasts", has had her silicone pillows removed and has one of the ginormous jugg implants on eBay.

The auction ends Saturday night and it's already up to almost $15K. If you're in the market for a new waterbed, or an inflatable raft, or well, a huge size 69-HH silicone tit, get your bid on!

PETA: A Drag For Star Jones

2005-03-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

How Al Reynolds Dresses When Star Isn't Home

Wow. Looks like our girl Star got beat with the ugly stick!

Oh, actually, it's Star Jones's drag queen, Flotilla DeBarge. PETA has hired the drag double to parody our girl Star in a new ad campaign that smacks Ms. Jones around for wearing fur.

According to the NY Post, Star is "worried that the public won't be able to tell the difference between her and drag queen Flotilla DeBarge."

Poor Star's self-confidence must be running a little low today - or maybe reality is finally orbiting her galaxy of delusion. I think what Star should really be worried about is that beard / "husband" Al Reynolds would rather poke his pecker into the drag queen instead of our girl Star.

Star Jones. A national treasure!

Totalitarian Republican Senator Moves To Remove Titties From HBO

2005-03-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

I thought Republicans were for less government? First the right-wing moral crusaders got themselves all worked up into a lather over the Janet Jackson Nipplegate scandal which caused broadcast censors to over-scrutinize and sanitize everything on TV to atone for their guilty little chubbies that popped-up during the half-time show. Then the 5-second tape delay at the Oscars. What's next?

Fascist totalitarian Republican Senator (wow - that's a mouthful. I should've just gone with "useless prick") Ted Stevens, who's the US Senate Commerce Committee Chairman, is proposing restrictions on "indecency" seen on paid subscriber cable channels such as HBO and Showtime.

Taxicab Confessions without the Confessions? Sex and the City without the Sex? "Skin"emax without the skin? Queer as Folk without the Queer? OZ without the prison anal rape?

Good thinking, Stevens. You're right. If it's not on TV, then it doesn't really exist. Thanks for shielding us from the horrors of fictional television. Let's get back to the wholesome safety of topics seen on the news such as torture and beheadings and bombings and sex-scandals and Jackson's barber-pole penis. Oh-oops. I guess we'll have to censor the news too. In fact, why don't we just lobotomize everyone except for the nice folks running the current administration. Oh fuck, looks like we're too late to save them. Brave New World indeed.

Jacko's Bubbles To Take The Stand?

2005-03-01T10:42:00.000-08:00

Bubbles to testify?

We have it on authority of the UK's finest news reporting organization that Jacko's chimp, Bubbles, will testify at Michael's trial. We know it's all true, since the headline even states, "And we're not kidding folks".

You have to love the British press - you can't spell out "bollocks" on the front page, but you can splash up a half-page color photo of a woman's be-thonged ass and tits with nipples artfully obscured. Now that's journalism.

Fred Durst Shows Off His Limp Bizkit

2005-02-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

Fred shows us his Oh Face

The fallout from Hiltongate continues. Looks like the hacker who brought us the wonderful photos from Paris' Sidekick wants to punish us by putting Fred's grainy "Oh face" on display.

It appears that either Fred Durst's cameraphone was hacked or he intentionally leaked it to revive his shitty music "career" the way all washed-up "rockers" do - by releasing a pixelated video of skank-banging.

I guess everyone in the entire world is dying to see the Limp Bizkit in action, as Gawker's server is being slammed. If you'd rather just see some stills, here you go (while it lasts). And uh, duh, the links are NSFW.

Update: Yep - we know that it wasn't really his Sidekick or a T-Mobile hacking, but rather, someone who hacked his PC. It just makes for a better story though, because imagining Fred Durst banging away with a Sidekick up to his face is funny / scary in a pathetic way. We need to go stab a soldering iron into our prefrontal cortex now.

And yes, here's another place to see Fred do it all for the nookie. Be sure to turn your volume up, as you won't want to miss a few well-placed pussy farts. You may also want to take notes on how to sweet talk your girl the Fred Durst way, with nuggets like, "Yeah, you can touch my balls and my ass." Thanks Fred, you're such a giver!

Man is he smooooove.

Some Fucked Up Cosmic Karma

2005-02-24T11:21:00.000-08:00

The NY Post shares a tragicomic tale (in truth, it's more comedy than tragedy) of an 81-year old Buddhist monk who glued his eyes shut when he mistook Crazy Glue for Visine.

Apparently, his eyes started itching so he went to seek out some relief in the medicine cabinet. Well, some jackass had decided to store the Crazy Glue in the medicine cabinet, and our poor monk friend, Muang Angthong, who couldn't decipher the english label, just decided to squirt it in both eyes.

The upshot is that doctors were able to use an acetone solvent to pry one of his eyes open. Ouch. And also, the jackass who put the crazy glue in the medicine cabinet will be re-incarnated as a blackhead filled in-grown hair on the monk's taint in his next life.

Bushy To Receive Belgian Golden Showers

2005-02-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

Better to be pissed off than pissed on...

While the world expresses shock and disbelief at the Hacking of Paris Hilton's Sidekick (the horror!), we take a minute to give you a pulse-check on how Bushy's European Vacation is going - and it appears to be a pisser so far.

The Belgians loves them their golden showers (as evidenced by their beloved statue of "Manneken Pis"), so perhaps Bush's visage appearing on a urinal sticker isn't such a bad thing.

Paris Hilton's Cellphone Hack = Schadenfreude For All!

2005-02-20T23:03:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of the good folks at Gawker

Q: What do Paris Hilton's tits, a menagerie of little critters (including a skunk - WTF?!), a man in geisha-drag, a dude giving the finger, and Burt Reynolds have in common?

A: They've all posed for Paris' T-mobile Sidekick cameraphone!

And since the nice people who hacked her phone this weekend were kind enough to post some photos and some choice txt msgs, we're able to bring you this wonderful and touching collage. The joy!

For the literary-minded, Gawker has her brilliant genius captured in txt msgs here.

Here's One For The Family Album

2005-02-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

Whoa.

It's going to be a "WTF?!?" week here at the Semi-regular. We can feel it. And to kick it off, here's a nice photo of a little girl and her blinking and smiling parasitic head. MSNBC reports it was removed yesterday. Good times.

Hunter S. Thompson Blows Off Own Head

2005-02-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

Fear and Loathing in Aspen

Bummer.

1937-2005

Candy Canes, Barber Poles, MJ's Penis

2005-02-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

A representation of MJ's Pee Pee

News flash: Michael Jackson's penis looks like a barber pole.

The NY Post reports that P.I. Ernie Rizzo, "a former Chicago police detective who has seen photographs of Jackson's genitals taken by cops in 1993, claims that because Jackson 'bleaches' his body twice a week, distinctive markings on his penis are visible when he is aroused.

'It looks like a barber's pole,' Rizzo tells PAGE SIX. 'That's exactly what it looks like. The first kid and all the other kids who have seen his penis know that there are brown circles around it.'"

Note to MJ: Why not try the bleach when you have a woody. C'mon, that's just dick bleaching common sense 101.

Little children everywhere now have a new reason to fear haircuts.

That is all. Please resume vomitting.

Florida Is For Lovers (and Felons)

2005-02-14T10:54:00.001-08:00

Her Name Says It All...

It's Valentine's Day and you don't have that special someone to spend it with. Your family doesn't care about you and you asked your mother to stop giving you Valentine's Day cards years ago after you were beaten up at school that one time (and since the "I'm Falling For You Card" from her was kinda weird, especially when she got drunk and kept saying that "you were so grown-up now" and were the "real man in the house"). You can't get a date and your parole keeps you from cruising the 'hood for skanky hookers. And you definitely can't afford an escort.

What to do?

Never fear - The Smoking Gun's "Hottest Felons" are here! Need a girl who's barely legal, has got the hook up with the weed and some blow, and knows how to boost a new ride for you? Well, come on down to Florida! Central Florida seems to be where the action is to get your felon fantasy on. And ladies - this includes you too! We know you've seen Caged Heat and Reform School Girls and want to get your women-in-prison freak on.

Don't say we never did anything for you. You're welcome.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Semi-Regular

Tom Sizemore, the Whizzinator

2005-02-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

Tom Sizemore, The Whizzinator

You can't make this shit up.

Tom Sizemore, known for smacking the shit out of people in movies and for smacking the shit out of ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss in real life, is now the dude in Hollywood who pees for parole officers with a piss-filled dildo.

Our boy Tommy, on parole for doing some bitch-slapping and some crank, was caught cheating on his urine test with a "prosthetic penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack". WHOA - did you get all that? That is some fucking setup.

Apparently, these units are sold online, under the name....wait for it......the Wizzinator. As you can see, it comes in a variety of colors / ethnicities from white, tan, latino, brown and black, and can be loaded with "clean" freeze-dried urine and warmed up with heating packs - all of which is sewn up in a pair of tighty-whities!

The best part of the story? - and believe me, it was hard to choose - LA Deputy City Attorney Robert Cha says that this isn't the first time they've caught Sizemore pissing with the Whizzinator.

Wha!?!!?! They've caught him pissing with an elaborate fake penis setup before?!?!

Consider our minds blown.

Celine Dion's New Testicles Wins Her 2 Grammys

2005-02-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

Celine Dion: "Dude Looks Like a Lady"

We were doing a little Grammy research (well not really - who gives a fuck about the Grammys?) when we stumbled upon this scary photo of a ripped Celine Dion.

Is anyone else waiting for a dick to pop out from under her dress? Holy shit. Someone should let Celine know that the performance enhancement from steroids doesn't apply to singing.

Yikes.

Lady Shick Needs To Make A Pit-Stop

2005-02-10T15:49:00.000-08:00

Fab Moretti Hides in Drew's Armpit(Courtesy, Defamer).

We're lazy today and this was just too easy. The veritable treasure trove of hard-hitting news that is the UK's Sun caught Drew out on the town with some serious arm snatch. Enjoy!

God Saves Fat Boy From Bullet (to Ironically Kill Him Later in Life with Heart Disease)

2005-02-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

Thought you needed to lose some weight? Maybe you should think that over...

Being a chunker has it's upside every now and then. James "Bubba" Taylor, a 9-year old fatty, was target shooting a .38 caliber with his 44-year old neighbor (WTF?! - oh yeah, did I mention this was Florida?) when the neighbor accidentally popped a cap in the kid. The NYTimes reports that the bullet entered Bubba's right side, and traveled through his flesh without striking any organs. Bubba's Grammy Harper, who was apparently watching the whole thing, said the lil' porker didn't even originally realize he'd been shot until he looked down and saw blood.

"He's a little chunky," his grandmother, Alice Harper, told the Northwest Florida Daily News for its Tuesday editions. "Thank God."

Amen, Grammy Harper. Amen. Pass the pork rinds.

A Ballsy Move for Your Team

2005-02-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

This Guy's Nuts!

Now here's a story about true dedication to your team and owning up to a ballsy claim (we couldn't resist).

A Welsh rugby fan promised his friends: "If Wales win I'll cut my own balls off." Well, sadly for him (although he seemed more than willing to comply) his team did win, and so....off with his nuts!

ThisisLondon reports that after the win, "the man is reported to have gone outside and severed his testicles before bringing them back into the club to show fellow drinkers."

Well at least his balls will no longer be subject to much harrassment and grabbing when he is on the rugby pitch. For those of you who haven't experienced the joy of rugby firsthand, it's quite common to have fingers jammed in your ass (a la "the shocker") and your nuts grabbed in the scrum. (A quick peek at Google's results will give you a taste).

One observer notes, "But I guess in seriously competitive rugby, not only is the wedgie acceptible, but it seems to be fairly common practice in regular play. Who knew? Further, this bit with the finger in the pooper is a dramatic escalation of sports related warfare on the battlefield of the crotch. And this bit with the testicle grabbing?!?! That's Ok?!?!?! What up with that?"

"This sort of thing is why American's don't understand rugby. 'So let me get this straight... it's kinda like football, kinda like soccer, a little bit like a streetfight, and what's all this about putting fingers in each other's asses?!?!'"

Ummm....exactly.

Devoted Wife or Murderous Enema Fetishist?

2005-02-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

The Houston Chronicle has a heart-rending / ass-puckering story about the tragedy (or comedy? I mean, if you really try to picture it...ok, don't) that occurred when a woman tried to help her alcoholic husband get his drink on.

Tammy Jean Wagner of Lake Jackson, TX (where?) gave her husband Michael a TWO bottle sherry enema, driving his blood-alcohol level to an asswrecking 0.47 percent (that's about 6 times the legal limit in case you were wondering or just plain dumb), thus killing the man.

You might be wondering, why get drunk via the "beer bong in the ass" approach? Because poor Mikey has a throat condition that doesn't allow him to hit the sauce the...*ahem*..more conventional way.

Officer Robert Turner, who was interviewed for the article, seemed sorta impressed at Mike's ass-chugging ability (and who wouldn't be?) "We're not talking about little bottles here," Turner said, "These were at least 1.5 liter bottles."

Wow. Gives new meaning to the phrase "being drunk off your ass".

Shitty Tips = My Sweaty Balls Dipped in Your Drinking Water

2005-02-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

The NY Times has the scoop on the ongoing battle between ignorant restaurant patrons and pissed-off waitstaff.

While I do think that waitstaff need to be fairly competent and polite, I never fuck with the person who has the ability to season my food with scrapings from their asscrack. And neither should you - Stained Apron tells you why (and spares you from the nastiest details of how some food service people like to doctor your food - believe me, I know...)

And this is brilliant: Bitter Waitress shares it's STDs with you. That'd be their Shitty Tipper Database - you know who you are.

(Note: Looks like their server is getting slammed, but once the NY Times traffic dies down, it's worth a look.)

Today's WTF Story: Mohel, Circumsion..Herpes?

2005-02-02T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am familiar with what a mohel does at a bris. From what I understand, it typically involves an 8-day old infant boy, the parents surrounded by family and friends, and a mohel - the rabbi responsible for snipping off some foreskin. After the foreskin is clipped, there is some ritual blood drawing (yes, I know, ouch), usually done by hand.

So what the hell is going on here?

Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer apparently gave 3 infant boys herpes, one of which died due to the infection. How does an 8-day old boy get herpes, you might ask? It appears that Rabbi Fischer is rocking a mean case of the herpes virus himself. In regards to the procedure, CNN states that "most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth."

WHOA.

I mean, if you were the parents of the boys, wouldn't something seem suspicious when the rabbi put his mouth on your infant boy's nubbin?

Fischer's lawyer, Mark Kurzmann states, "My client is known internationally as a caring, skilled, and conscientious mohel".

Well, suffice it to say, I think the Rabbi is going to be known somewhat differently now. Meanwhile, Catholic priests everywhere breathe a sigh of relief and offer a prayer of thanks to the rabbi for temporarily taking some heat off of them...

Wow - This Smells Like Bullshit (Really? We didn't notice....)

2005-01-28T13:55:00.000-08:00

We knew there was a reason (actually, there are a ton of them - in this particular case, 2000 tons) why we'd never want to live in the red state heartland that is the Midwest.

Dave Dickinson, who runs a huge cow lot that fattens up cows for the slaughter has a 2000 ton pile of bullshit measuring 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide that's been on fire for over 2 months. He claims not to mind the smell, "I guess it's just all perspective," he said. "To me, it just smells like smoke. I really don't know how to describe it."

So there you have it. The people who chose your president are people who can't smell bullshit, even when they're sitting on 2000 tons of it. Sad, isn't it? No wonder Bushy was able to lay it on thick and fool the simpletons. *Sigh*.

CNN has the story here.

Pissing Your Way To Freedom!

2005-01-28T11:58:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the best news story ever - a harrowing tale of chugging beers to save one's own life:

Richard Kral, a Slovak man, was tearing ass through the Slovak Tatra mountains in his Audi, with 60 half-liter bottles of beer (natch - he's on vacation!) when he got buried under an avalanche.

Rescue teams found him four days later, drunk and stumbling around the site of the avalanche. Our boy Richard, the Slovakian MacGyver (and champion beer drinker), quickly realized that he could drink all the beers and then piss his way out of the snowy tomb he was encased in.

He explains, "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Huzzah! Let this be lesson to all of you. Never, ever travel without 5 cases of beer in your back seat. Really, it's for your own safety....

Don't Expect to See These Bits at Carson's Memorial

2005-01-27T10:51:00.000-08:00

Johnny Jolson?

While everyone collectively kisses the cold, dead ass of Johnny Carson this week, we at the Semi-Regular have, uh, exhumed two clips from the Tonite Show that you probably won't be seeing in any Carson retrospectives this week, courtesy of Panopticist.com

The video is a might long, with commentary from some dude on a Manhattan public access channel (no, not Robyn Byrd or Al Goldstein). In case you're too busy or lazy to watch the whole thing, here are the synopses:

1st Clip: In what seems improvised, Johnny confronts Don Rickles on set for breaking his cigarette box and sees a black actor, to whom he randomly shouts, "Hey, a black man! Yo, black man! How's it goin' there, daddy?" and "jives" him into giving him some skin. On the side to Don, he then says "Hang him". Afterwards, he returns to the black actor and says "Hope you kept the cotton mill down south, come January you're gonna be out of a job..."

2nd Clip: A "half" black face skit, where the "soul side" of Johnny breaks into ebonics.

Word has it that Leno, in a tribute to the comic stylings of the late Johnny, will burn a cross on the Tonite Show. Hilarity ensues!

Ahhh....you've come a long way, baby.

A real live talking, singing, dancing honest-to-goodness douchebag!

2005-01-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

Mark Mathis, Douchebag!

For those of you who've never seen a real douchebag that can do tricks, here's one that can talk, sing (rap) and dance! (Take that, Midsummer's Eve)!

Here's a video highlight reel of weatherman Mark Mathis, formerly of the Fox News affiliate in Charlotte, NC. It's about 4 minutes of pure, unadulterated, dipshittery! (And sorta fun if you're a masochist! Seriously though, it's mildly amusing, but the Semi-Regular is not liable for any headaches or vaginal irritation caused by this douchebag.)

In an article about his demise (or salvation? we didn't care enough about this turd to actually read the whole story) he blames his tailspin on drinking.

Don't do that, Mark. You're ruining it for the rest of the alcoholics out there.

Thanks BoingBoing!

UPDATE: Well, it appears that weathermen are a notoriously unstable bunch. There's been a slew of other clips that have surfaced over at BoingBoing regarding whacked out weathermen, but this one is nice - a little tourettes with your weather keeps things lively.

Poo Flag

2005-01-24T11:31:00.000-08:00

A Turd in the Bush is worth...

We never thought that the words "teutonic sense of humor" would actually refer to something that would make us laugh, but I gotta hand it to the clever Germans who are planting little flags depicting Bush and mini-US flags into streetside piles of dogshit. I mean, c'mon, that is just plain funny!

Police spokesman Reiner Kuechler explained, "we have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is doing this in the act. But frankly, we don't know what we would do if we caught them red handed."

Oh, relax. For those of you who want to scream that we here at the Semi-regular hate America, it's just that you hate comedy. And yes, this is comedy.

A little help, Daddy?

2005-01-24T10:36:00.000-08:00

Good thing Daddy is there to explain to the world what Lil' Bushy really meant (or rather, what his speechwriters and puppet masters wanted him to say) during his inaugural address last week.

As the world wondered if Lil' Bushy's speech signaled a strengthening of the U.S.'s stand on aggressiveness and self-importance in regards to it's go-it-alone US Foreign policy to "spread freedom" across the globe, Daddy Bush quickly stepped in to "informally" clarify to reporters (in the White House briefing room, no less) what his son really meant last Thursday.

Easy there Daddy Bush. You're going to piss off Dick. I'm sure Dick will tell you that there's only space for ONE hand up this puppet's ass and that'd be Dick's. If that's not clear enough, let's revisit this picture one more time to make sure that everone knows that behind every wispy Bush is a pudgy Dick.

MILF is coolest mom ever

2005-01-24T10:21:00.000-08:00

Having missed out on popularity in high school, Sylvia Johnson, of Arvada, CO decided that being a 40 year old milf would make up for it. Unfortunately for her (and milf-lovers) she was arrested in December for supplying amphetamines, weed, alcohol and her slightly well-traveled vagina to 8 boys in her suburban home over 2003 and 2004.

It all came crashing down on her when one of the boys told his mom about how cool Mrs. Johnson was. When Sylvia Johnson, milf extraordinaire, was arrested, she explained that she was not popular in high school and had finally started "feeling like one of the group". She pleaded her case to the arresting officer, claiming that she was just a "cool mom".

We can hear it now, "Shit, mom! Why did you have to have Mrs. Johnson arrested? Fuck, why can't you be a cool mom like Mrs. Johnson, and give us weed and meth and beer and fuck my friends? C'mon! Jeesus!"

The kid's got a point...

They loves you, Bushy

2005-01-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

Bush: "Ummm, who do you think he's talking about?"

You can always count on CNN to sneak in the word "Fuck" when covering politics.

A few months back, we had the dude wearing the "Fuck This Shit" t-shirt as Barack Obama chatted with Wolf Blitzer. Now, in case you missed it yesterday, here's a clip from Bushy's ~~inauguration~~ coronation procession, passing by a less-than-friendly part of the parade route. Halfway into it, a man can be clearly heard plaintively bleating "Fuck Bush!... Fuck Bush!". It melted our hearts and made us a little misty - God Bless America! Plus, there's something about this guy's cadence that just made us chuckle.

Hmmm...any coincidence that Michael Powell announced that he is stepping down from his FCC Chairman post today?

VWs - not good for carbombing with

2005-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

Farfigbomben

It looks like we're video clip happy at the Semi-Regular today. We came across this tasteless VW ad spoof - just the kind of thing we love here!

Bore Me has the clip, which shows just how tough the VW Polo is (must be the European equivalent of the Golf). A Yasser-ish looking dude (the checkered scarf is a dead give-away) drives up to a crowded cafe to bomb the piss out of it, but alas, the tough little VW holds it's shit and shrapnel together.

VW typically hasn't looked to kindly on these spoofs, so we'll see how long it's up, but personally, I think it's a great product demo.

Update: And there you have it. VW has leveled criminal charges against the makers of the ad. They don't fuck around...

We know how much you love your Paris Hilton news

2005-01-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

Skank-o-rific!

Oh, the irony...someone should tell this skank to avoid video cameras.

Paris was in a WeHo (West Hollywood for you troglodytes) magazine store when she went apeshit upon seeing that they sold copies of her first feature film, the oh-so-cleverly titled 1 Night in Paris. The store security cam catches her stealing the DVD for sale as she announces that she's "taking it and not paying for it". (As corroborated by the bitchy queen who works there and was interviewed by Celebrity Justice as seen in this video clip).

Looks like the "crime footage" has been handed over to a Beverly Hills DA, so perhaps we'll be soon seeing her first lesbian film, 1 Night in Prison.

Bill Gates - One Sexy Muthafucka

2005-01-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

Oh Bill - I'll leave my Windows open for you if you promise me I won't get a virus...

Teenage girls in the 80s may have preferred to fingerbang themselves to pictures of Scott Baio instead of Bill Gates, but I think we can all agree now that Bill's wrinkle-free slacks and his future billions of dollars give him a certain je ne sais quoi that Charles in Charge can't even touch.

Yep - these pinups of Billy G (now to be known as Microsoft Man Candy) from a circa 1983 Tiger Beat are making the rounds. Gotta love the other shot, with Bill casting a come hither look and tossing his floppy.

Extra bonus points: Notice the Mac in the background of this shot? Yeah yeah, I know, Microsoft made software for Mac, yada yada, but in light of more recent developments of the past decade, it's funny, so fuck off...

Now THAT is a serious dick hazard...

2005-01-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

It appears that more absent-minded surgeons are leaving things in their patients these days. Lori Klinger of Danville, PA filed a lawsuit against Dr. Samuel Owusu for leaving a 4-inch metal instrument in her uterus, which she eventually passed through her woo woo after several days of pain.

Here's a re-enactment of the conversation:

Lori: Umm, you're not going to believe this.
Dr. Sam: What's that?
Lori: Well, my uteral region has been in terrible pain the past few days.
Dr. Sam: Sorry to hear it.
Lori: Ummm, well, that's not the half of it. A sharp 4-inch metal instrument emerged from my vagina today. I'm not sure if that's normal.
Dr. Sam: No kidding. Hmmm, I think I've been missing one of those.
Lori: Ummm, yeah. It hurt like a bitch. My husband could have really hurt his dick if it met the business end of that instrument if we were, well, you know...
Dr. Sam: Uh huh. Yup. Well, feel free to drop it off at our offices. They're kinda expensive you know...

And.....scene.

According to Ramona Conner, a perioperative nursing specialist with the Association of Perioperative Registered Nurses, "It's something we try very much to avoid, but it's also something that we do recognize does happen. Surgery is extremely complex these days."

OH. OK. Well, I guess it's all good then.

Here's the story via Timesleader.com

Fuck Long Distance

2005-01-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

Tell it like it is, sister

We here at the Semi-Regular don't usually pimp products and services for free, but this one caught my eye today.

Broadband phone service is gaining momentum and there's a few players trying to establish themselves and set them apart from the big boys like AT&T and Verizon. We particularly like this ad because really, who hasn't seen their long-distance bill at sometime and wanted to tell the phone company to fuck-off? Bravo, BroadVoice! Truth in advertising at last....

And the slutty teachers keep coming...

2005-01-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

And yet another....

It's only been a day since we posted a story about Melissa Deel blowing her 13-year old student and now we have Sarah Suzanne Bench-Salorio, a 28-year old teacher, getting frisky with some of her students.

Like we said earlier - 2005 - year of the teacherfucker....

So. Fucking. Wrong. (and yet, not at all surprising)

2005-01-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

You are so going to jail....

The Smoking Gun has the dirty (and we really mean dirty) details on how Michael Jackson likes to entertain the kiddies while at Neverland Ranch.

Thrill to the descriptions of Michael:
-giving the boys (one of which was a 13-year-old boy, who had been diagnosed in 2000 with a rare form of cancer and lost a kidney and a spleen) Jim Beam, tequila, and Pinot Noir in soda cans, calling it "Jesus Juice" (natch!)
-perusing Club and Barely Legal magazine and clearly made-for-kids-websites like "www.wetpussy.com"! (and then lamenting loudly to his son Prince that he was "really missing out")
-making prank calls with the boys asking "does your pussy stink?"! (oh - the wit, the humor, the delight!)
-"jacking off" young boys under their size small Hanes and then keeping the soiled whities in his daughter's bedrooom!

We recommend having a recepticle close by in case you need to throw up a little while reading the report.

Page Six Has a Woody

2005-01-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...Subtle.

Tee hee. Looks like the guy who writes those oh-so-witty headlines for the Post is having a little fun today. And you thought we wouldn't notice.

Let the Teacher / Student Sex Begin!

2005-01-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

And........we're off!

It only took four days (and only 2 school days) into the new year for another young teacher to start putting out. Melissa Michelle Deel does her best Debra LaFave impression by giving one of her 13-year old charges a hummer after school.

I'm going to predict that 2005 will see the word "teacherfucker" replace "blog" as the word of the year. Yippee!

So This is the New Year...

2005-01-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

What a shitty start to 2005. Tsunamis, retards shining lasers at airplane pilots, the middle east in general, and then, getting stabbed in the chest while banging wife (a la Basic Instinct).

Happy New Year kiddies! And remember, if your wife's idea of foreplay involves a knife, well, fuck - time for a new wife!

Prison Sucks...

2004-12-10T11:13:00.000-08:00

The MacGyver of Jailhouse Weapons

Obviously, for many reasons, not least of which is many a sleepless night keeping a vigilant eye out for your cornhole.

But you also have to keep an eye out for the inventive prisoners who resort to improvised weapons like sharpened pork chop bones to stab with and ejaculated nut sauce to fling at government employees. Yowza.

REHEAT MY SANDWICH, BITCH, OR I KILL YOU

2004-12-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

In the 80s, we had road rage. But this is the 21st century folks, and we're too sophisticated for that bullshit, because now, we have...sandwich rage.

A Houston, TX man was so pissed that his steak sammy was cold that he decided to threaten a homicidal hissy fit. What happened to threatening to just open up a can of whup ass if you didn't get what you wanted? This guy was ready to go Al Qaeda on her ass.

He's probably better off not having eaten that sandwich. We all know what happens when you send food back, especially to a sweaty, drunk short order cook who makes minimum wage standing in front of a hot fucking griddle all day... "did you say you wanted fromunda cheese on that?"

Marketing for the Indigent 101

2004-12-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

Fucking Ninjas....

Panhandlers are a dime a dozen in the city, but occasionally someone will have a pretty good racket going and a sign that'll make you chuckle. This dude, for example, is going with an appeal for self-empowerment.

One of my all-time favs is this guy. I actually remember seeing him a few times in midtown and once, I was witness to some drunk i-banker who had apparently paid him the two bucks and was just fucking railing - about his wife, his job, his boss - blaming it all on our senior statesman of street urchins. After angry guy was done, he politely thanked homeless guy and tipped him an extra few bucks for listening. And who said NYers weren't nice? It sure beats the shit out of paying for a shrink.

Americans Crushing Things With Fat Asses, Not Military Might

2004-12-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

Well it's good to see that the rest of the world thinks Americans are still good at something. A spokesman for the builders of the QM2 noted that they've had to replace a number of chairs in the 10 restaurants onboard due to Americans and their fat asses literally crushing them.

No more Krispy Kremes for us today.

Obituary: Meat Packing District

2004-12-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

It's sad to see our ol' nabe ruined by bridge and tunnelers, eurotrash, and pseudo-hipster wannabes. We knew it was only a matter of time before our beloved West Village / Meat Packing District was completely overrun with assholes - it's been happening for years. All that remains now is a lame WB teen drama set in the nabe to completely signal its demise. Sigh.

Teacher's Curriculum a Student's Wet Dream

2004-12-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

"I thought the law said if there's grass on the field..."

What's the deal these days with young teachers and pubescent teenage boys? A few weeks ago, it was Tammy and now this week we're featuring 6th grade wet dream, Debra LaFave!

24-year old Debra LaFave, who is married (to a man who lost out to a 14-year old prick, literally), was arrested for nailing one of her 14-year old students and is apparently going to go with the insanity plea. Meanwhile, her 14-year old boytoy with raging hormones is actually going insane realizing that he's got to go back to 14-year old girls who will definitely not be putting out like our girl Deb (who - wait for it, it gets better - apparently did some work as some type of Lowrider model!).

For those of you young'uns out there wondering, What The Fuck!?!?! Why aren't I out there nailing the older ladies?, Jest Magazine has a helpful holiday article on how to nail your SMILF.

Now go out there and make someone proud!

More Target Fun: Now with Blowjobs!

2004-11-30T11:30:00.000-08:00

And the Target fun continues!

As reported earlier, Target was pimping weed and crack. But now, they're offering blowjobs.

According to the listing on Target's website, the Blowjobs are from someone named "Sober" and it says it takes "4-8 weeks" to come. Hmmmm...doesn't sound like much of a hummer, but for $9.99.....

BoingBoing has kindly hosted a screenshot in case Target decides to stop stocking BJs.

Beat This!

2004-11-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

It looks like our friends across the pond have one-upped us in the reality-tv arms race for most bizarre task.

Rebecca Loos (who?), the woman whose claim to fame was banging the married David Beckham, was shown on a UK Channel Five reality show called "The Farm" giving a boar a 10 minute handjob and capturing the pig spunk in a flask. Predictably, an uproar over animal welfare ensued.

ABCNews reports that the Office of Communications (presumably comparable to our fascist FCC) cleared Channel Five of bestiality. The ruling stated:

"The task performed by Rebecca Loos is one that occurs regularly on UK farms. It was properly supervised by a qualified veterinary surgeon and was carried out for a genuine purpose, to artificially inseminate the pigs on the 'celebrity farm'. We don't believe that the scene was degrading or harmful to the boar."

No, but Jesus - a TEN minute handjob? Becky, you got to work on your technique!

One thing is for certain. The gauntlet has been laid down in reality-tv programming. Point, UK. Next on Fear Factor: Rimjobbing a goat.

Target Knows What the Kids Want

2004-11-29T11:23:00.000-08:00

Dreaming of a Green Christmas

Category-killing retailers are stocking everything these days, taking business away from the Mom and Pop shops and now, it appears, your local dealer.

Looks like Target is anticipating a legalization of buds soon and is preemptively taking orders for "Marijuana", only $25.25 (what, is that for an eighth?) Must've sold out quickly - looks like they'll be restocking in 4-8 weeks.

It's only a matter of time before the goons over at corporate headquarters take it down, so here's a link to another screenshot (via BoingBoing)

And now this just in: Target also offers crack! And what a deal, for $11.66, it's $1.29 off the list price! Now you won't have to suck some mangy dick for some crack - Target's got it on sale!

Al Reynold's Light Saber to Penetrate Death Star?

2004-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

Oh Good God What Have I Done?

"Wha!?!?! You mean I have to fuck her too?!?"

The NY Post reports on the horrifying story of Star's Need to Breed.

I'm sure poor Al has been trying to explain to Star where a beard's responsibility begins and ends but we all know our girl Star isn't having it. I got a hundred bucks that says the baby (if there winds up being one and Star doesn't eat it) looks nothing like poor Al.

George and His Dick

2004-11-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

Behind That Wispy Bush is a Pudgy Dick

For your viewing pleasure and cultural enlightment, here's a fine piece of work that didn't happen to make it into this past weekend's MoMA grand re-opening.

Hunting Spree Shooter Apparently "Just Looking to Bag Some White Meat"

2004-11-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...hunting. Nothing like a bunch of rednecks in camo drinking beers, tearing-ass on ATVs and brandishing high-powered rifles shooting at anything that moves. Throw into that mix a trigger-happy Laotian with 6 years in the National Guard, a sharpshooter qualification and an attitude and what do you get?

If you answered "lots of white meat for Thanksgiving", well, you're partly right!

Looks like Chai Vang, the "Hmong Lee Harvey Oswald" went over the seasonal limit by bagging 6 white hunters. Ooops. MSNBC reports that a Hmong leader in Wisconsin has advised Hmong hunters to "skip the rest of the gun deer season because of the tensions." Uhhh...yeah...good idea....(and perhaps the understatement of the week).

Maybe someone should persuade Vang to take up fishing instead. The whole "catch-and-release" thing keeps everyone a lot happier.

Holy Fucking Grilled Cheese

2004-11-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

Virgin Mary Appears on Grilled Cheese, Jesus To Appear on Sloppy Joe

I was in the middle of taking a little break from the reporting when a news story combining idiotic religious idolatry and white trash culture brought me out of my slumber.

As you may have heard, some dipshit, batty-ass "religious" Florida woman (they have those in spades down there) named Diana Duyser made a grilled cheese sammy a decade ago and saw the Virgin Mary staring back at her. So she cocooned it with cotton balls and saved it in a plastic container on her nightstand, natch. Eventually, she decided to throw it on eBay so the world could view the holy relic and be given the opportunity to bid on it.

Well, for every retard that puts a grilled-fucking-cheese sandwich up to bid, believing it's holy, there's another retard out there willing to pay $28-fucking-grand for it.

Reuters and a bunch of other people report.

Hey - I love a good grilled cheese every now and then but fucking hell...only in America kids...

The Convict Cookbook: Missing Martha's Recipe for Bearded Clams?

2004-11-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

It looks like someone beat Martha to the punch. Inmates at the Washington State Penitentiary have just published the "The Convict Cookbook".

The 163-page book contains recipes for items such as Po' Mans Burritos, Cell Block Fudge, Jail Mix, Dope Fiend Sandwich and Prizzon Po Carcass Casserole. Umm..hold on a sec there. There's a recipe for Cell Block Fudge? I don't want to know what the fuck that is, but suffice it to say, my brain is fearfully concocting an image derived from multiple viewings of OZ.

CNN gives the details of the "Blue Mountain Crabbie" which includes combining canned crab, crushed crackers, cream cheese, mayonnaise and a few other ingredients in a plastic bag and hanging that outside a cell window during winter to chill.

Canned crab? What the fuck? And you call this prison?

Ashcroft - New Latino Version Now Available!

2004-11-10T11:43:00.000-08:00

Hispanics Create Ashcroft Clone!

Apparently, there is no run on potential assholes to fill vacancies in the Bush administration.

If you're Bushy, what do you do when one of your biggest pricks steps down from their post? Why, you go to the hometeam in Texas, where they apparently have idiots in spades! (Ok, not everything from Texas sucks - We have a few friends from there and of course, greatest band ever Spoon hails from Texas's culture capital of Austin - but there are a disproportionate number of jackasses hailing from the Lonestar state).

So, let's take a look at Senor Gonzales's record (via MyWay News):

-Repudiate Supreme Court's opinion on detaining suspects without access to lawyers or courts? - CHECK!
-Support Bushy on the right to waive anti-torture law and international treaties providing protections to prisoners of war (Abu Ghraib ring a bell?) - CHECK!
-Raise the concern of fellow conservatives who question whether this former partner in a Houston law firm which represented the scandal-ridden energy giant Enron will continue squashing the civil rights of Americans? - CHECK!

Good job! You passed the Bush administration litmus test, Alberto!

Some of you may be thinking, blah blah fucking blah. Who cares? What, is The Semi-Regular now a fucking political blog? Is this some half-assed Wonkette?

Ok...we'll try to focus more on the Tara Reid and Paris Hilton news that you all apparently love so much.

Ahh...Makes Me Feel All Warm and Fuzzy Inside

2004-11-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

Fuckety fuck fuck fuck! Well, "Fuck the South", indeed!

A mystery writer chimes in to gracefully articulate why the Northeast Liberal Elite is better than Southern / Bible Belt "America".

"Well, uh, y'all are uh, just a buncha homo-lovin', America-hatin', No-god-fearin', liberal Jews and such, with all y'all interminglin' with minorities and such, you fuckin' liberal North Eastern Yankee," one might blubber upon reading this treatise (if one were of the Southern persuasion).

To which one might smile and respond by saying, "Bingo, you bible-thumping, sister-humping, oxycontin-sucking, uneducated hick!"

An entertaining and yet educational rant? Someone get this wo/man a history textbook deal, stat - there's teaching to be done!

Oh come on, now. Where's your sense of humor? You know us Northeastern Liberals just like to have fun with you. You got to have your joke by foisting Bushy upon us for another 4, now it's our turn!

Thanks Apt11 for the heads up.

----

Update:
A reader (from the South, no less!) has sent us this brilliant best ever flash game for us to enjoy! Join Mr. T, Hulk Hogan (in perhaps his most heartfelt role ever), Howard Dean and others to defeat Bushy and friends while learning some more fun facts on how we were fucked! How can you not love a game in which one level has you trying to stop George Sr. from delivering a viagra-laden load into his wife/mother-figure Barbara, who's uterus is working overtime to spit out Bush progeny! When Christopher Reeve rolls out and asks if you captured any of the stem cells that may have leaked from Barbara's vagina, it's a touching and powerful moment that makes it all the more worthwhile. Fun for everyone!

Productivity in Tech Sector Grinds to a Halt

2004-11-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

"Fuck Yeah, d00d!"

As of this morning right after midnight, there were 2 million less guys writing code, hacking servers, reading Slashdot, jerking off to internet porn, and otherwise generally dorking around. Halo 2 has arrived and is lining Bill Gates's pocket nicely.

If you didn't pre-order a copy, good luck finding one.

Wired News reports.

One Asshole Down...Still a Few More to Go.

2004-11-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

"Oh my god, am I really this big a douche?"

To the dismay of freakishly ignorant conservative christians and right-wing zealots everywhere, John Ashcroft let Bushy know that he was going to be leaving his position as Attorney General to direct his fucking up and meddling towards "other challenging horizons", which presumably means he'll be infringing on the civil liberties of other people besides just ordinary Americans.

In a five page letter to Bush (which we all know he won't read) Ashcroft states: "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved".

Uh huh. Right.

He must've used the same guy who crapped out the idea for Bushy's "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner to dish up this steaming load of hay-riddled horseshit.

Let's hope those other "challenging horizons" he's looking to pursue doesn't involve more singing. Eeesh.

The NYTimes has the story.

Nation Getting Back To Normal

2004-11-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

Tammy Sez: Nothing Like
a Hairless 8-Year Old's Penis!

It was comforting to see that the news headlines are slowly moving away from coverage of our election to stories that really show America is on the right track.

Here's a photo of Tammy Imre (courtesy of the folks over at Amber Alert). The question is, would you do this woman? Maybe if you were an eight year old boy. Yep, 8. The Stamford Advocate up in CT has this heartwarming story of Tammy, a 29 year old woman who made a lover out of her 7 year old daughter's playpal.

Naughty time was discovered when the mother of the boy (well, technically, he's a man now, right?) found this note, which had Tammy saying she didn't "want anyone but you. Now tomorrow it's supposed to rain, you can come over we can (you know what)."

No, I don't know what. Enlighten us, Tammy!

Good news is, it's not just a recess-time fling for Tammy and her boy-man. She told investigators that she plans on marrying her 8-year old boyfriend someday. Happy endings for everyone. Yay!

Mary Kay LeTourneau ain't got shit on our girl Tammy!

Battle of the Skanks!

2004-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

Holy Boob Job, Titman

Yes, I'm back after a nice long weekend. And we're kicking off Monday with some old news from Friday, but I'm sure you won't mind as we kick it off with useless waste of skin, Tara Reid, showing what a bad boob job looks like.

The beauty is, she doesn't even realize that her massively disfigured tit is gulping in the night air until about a thousand camera shutters have gone off. When she did find out, she confronted a photog and threatened him over publishing the tittie-pics (as you can see, a lot of good that did - NSFW, depending on where you work, obviously.) The Daily News reports that the photog responded by saying, "'We were wondering whether we should show [useless douchebag Carson Daly (who arrived shortly afterwards)], but I said, 'He's not going to recognize those breasts anyway.'" Zing!

Skank-o-rific Paris Hilton, not be done outdone, decides to one-up Tara by flashing her muff. (via Gawker) *yawn*

The NYPost has the story here (as if one was needed!)

Just the hard-hitting news that you need people....semi-regularly....

Bitch-smacked by Brits

2004-11-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

Honestly, we don't know!

The Daily Mirror takes some time off from gossiping about the Royals, "Bridget Jones", and some other people we don't know or give a fuck about (what, no Beckham news this week?) to ask a question that we've all been wondering here as well.

A series of recent front pages from the Mirror here so you can see what other news we've been lumped with.

Instability About To Rock Middle East Region...Oh Wait, It's Already Fucked Up Over There

2004-11-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

AP is reporting that Arafat is "clinically dead" but Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qurie denied the report. CNN was told by a close source to Arafat that the Palestinian President is "OK and he's resting".

As Arafat's health continues to deteriorate, the Middle East is preparing for unrest, violence, uncertainty, political instability, suicide bombers - so in other words, Friday.

Bi-polar People Like to be Naked

2004-11-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Ahhh. Nothing like a "Naked Man Hiding In a Plane Wheel Well" story to start the day.

ABCNews reports: "Baggage handlers saw the man climb an 8-foot, barbed-wire fence that separates public and private areas of the airport and run to a departing plane as it backed from the gate. He climbed into a wheel well before the plane stopped."

Now scaling a barbed-wire fence is dangerous enough, but doing it naked? I'd think that that barbed-wire fence would also be doing some separating of the "public and private areas" of his groin area. Youch.

"Now that's some good shit..."

2004-11-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

Now The Semi-Regular isn't condoning sending a "handsomely packaged box full of 100% natural, freshly-squeezed, human made crap" to half of the country's new president, but ever intrepid entrepreneurs Fecalgram did have a "post-election special" going.

Since Ashcroft is probably going to subpoena Fecalgram's customer list, you might want to go with sending lil' Bushy a bag of pretzels instead, but the thought of human turds showing up at the White House addressed to Dubya makes us chuckle. Thanks Boing Boing for the heads up.

Your Chance to Make Ohio (Black and ) Blue

2004-11-03T13:27:00.000-08:00

While it may not change the results of the election, it sure as hell will make you feel a lot better about yourself. Anonymous Craigslist poster suggests you go out and beat the shit out of Ohio-ans who left the bland boredom of the Midwest to be pseudo-hipster wannabees in Brooklyn.

Extra kudos for beating the shit out of Ohio-ans who submitted absentee ballots for George W. Twat.

But I'd avoid this guy. He claims to be "a big strong cornfed motherfucker now [and] i am alot stronger now and will wrestle your ass down into my groin". Wrestle my ass down into his groin? What the fuck?!? Yikes.

Hmmm...More Christian Converts = More Republican Votes?

2004-11-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

Republican Liontamer

While everyone is still focused on the results of our election, The Semi-Regular reports on the worldwide emboldening of supposedly morally superior / intellectually inferior evangelicals. MSNBC has a story about a man trying to "convert" lions to Jesus (the Christian Coalition would be so proud).

We're confident that natural selection will eventually remove this man from the worldwide gene pool. Someone should tell him about this guy named Darwin...

Time Magazine Reports on New Black Tuesday

2004-11-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

*sigh* We are indeed.

Must have Ohio, my precious...

2004-11-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

Must have Ohio, my precious (photo via FreakingNews.com)

As the intellectual population of this country mourns (who by and large, didn't vote for Bush), I offer up a few nuggets that will prepare us for another 4 years of absolute idiocy, gaffes, and missteps. On the bright side, late-nite television (except SNL - the new guy who took over for Ferrell as Bush SUCKS) and those people on what Bushy likes to call the "internets" will have plenty of Bush material to keep us in chuckles. Here's one that helped lessen the despair, if only momentarily.

OH FUCK

2004-11-03T08:35:00.000-08:00

Yeehaw. Get me some pretzels.

It's official. After the Red Sox won the World Series and Dubya won a re-election bid, we're just waiting for the other two horsemen of the apocalypse. Go ahead and freak out now before the world officially comes to an end....

Latest State Projections has Kerry as Definitive Winner (or not)

2004-11-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

The big day is upon us. Yes, I'm talking about the official start of the NBA season. Oh yeah, and I think we're having the Electoral College and maybe the Republican-run House of Representatives and the Right-leaning Supreme Court select our next president again (and you thought it was YOUR vote that decided...you poor idealistic dumbass).

Wonkette had a little birdie crap this nugget out for them, which suggests an overwhelming victory for Kerry:

K/B

AZ 45-55
CO 48-51
LA 42-57
MI 51-48
WI 52-48
PA 60-40
OH 52-48
FL 51-48
MICH 51-47
NM 50-48
MINN 58-40
WISC 52-43
IOWA 49-49
NH 57-41

But how can you trust these numbers? I mean, hey - you forgot Poland....

Stay tuned kiddies..

Something About an Election Tomorrow?

2004-11-01T11:54:00.000-08:00

Ohio sweat stain on back, Rhode Island displayed on undies as skidmarks

Holy fucking shit. You'd think with this amount of press coverage that tomorrow's election was a big deal or something. In a move of desperation, Dubya panders to swing voters in Ohio by displaying a sweat stain in the image of their critical battleground state.

Today's WTF!?! Story Right Here

2004-10-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's not even Halloween yet, but The Semi-Regular already has some crazy-ass-fucked-up-spooky-shit to report for you!

Karen Stolzmann, 44, of Portage, Wisconsin was arrested yesterday for - wait for it - digging up her dead boyfriend's ashes and drinking the beer that had been buried with him twelve years ago!!!

Hey - exhuming a grave is hard work. I think the least that she deserves after such back breaking labor (the frozen tundra up there in Wisconsin is hard as shit - but it keeps the buried beers cold!) is a few cans of Hamm's! Cheers Karen!

CNN has the report here

NO ONE Is Having Sexual Relations With That Woman...

2004-10-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

This is what it's come to: Monica Lewinsky not getting laid is making news.

Looks like our favorite human humidor is having a hard time getting anyone to admit to nailing her. I guess it's a tough act to follow when the last thing someone stuck in your 'gina was a chomped-on stogie, placed there by our last president, no less.

A NYPost gossip columnist had alleged last week that Perry Van Der Meer (who?) was seen getting "touchy feely" (ewwww) with Monica at a Wilco concert.

Instead of just saying, "Banging Monica? Not for me", Van Der Meer has his lawyer write a nice little letter to the Post's legal department denying the rumored relationship and asking them to make sure no one thought his dick was anywhere near that woman.

The Smoking Gun has the letter here

Bush Campaign Remembers Death of 9/11 Victim With Surprise Confetti Explosions!

2004-10-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

And in breaking news: New Hampshire Republicans shit their pants while attending a Bush Rally today...

DrudgeReport has the developing story:

"BUSH EVENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: Event workers had been told to fire off confetti pods when Bush said, 'God Bless'... his normal closing line. But 5 minutes before the end of his speech, Bush offered a "God Bless" to Arlene Howard, mother of George Howard a Port Authority of New York/New Jersey Police Officer killed in the World Trade Center... BLAM!!!!! Everyone first ducked -- hard -- then looked up to see confetti falling. Bush looked momentarily stunned, then plain unhappy, then just went on with his speech as the confetti rained to the floor of the Verizon Wireless Arena... "

The man responsible for the confetti snafu has yet to be identified, probably because they'd like to notify his next of kin that Karl Rove has killed him.

Boo! Fun Costumes For Everyone!

2004-10-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

Lil' Sparky Makes Abu Ghraib Look Fun! (via thestranger.com)

www.thestranger.com has some brilliant Halloween costumes for all the lil' kiddies out there who aspire to something more than Spiderman and Britney Spears (or whatever the fuck little kids want to be these days).

Really, who wouldn't rather be a Nancy Reagan in Mourning, Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, or best of all, national hero and redneck pinup-girl Lynndie England!

From thestranger.com (via boing boing)