Thursday, April 21, 2005

Bennifer, Part Deux


Bennifer Waits for the Short Bus
Looks like the former Mr. B-Lo is wising up and hedging his bets. The NYPost's Page Six reports that for the second coming of the Bennifer phenomenon, Affleck decided to give Jennifer Garner a 4.5 carat Harry Winston rock instead of the 6.1 carat pink Harry Winston diamond that he bestowed upon the queen of budonkadonk herself, Ms. Lopez. Meanwhile, Harry Winston laughs all the way to the bank and waits for the next woman to fall prey to a career-ending marriage to Ben Affleck.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

New Pope (Similar to, but not as tasty as Original Formula)


"Eat Papal Shit Bookies! What? I don't get a cut?"
Blah blah blah...something about a new Pope?

Joe Ratzinger (what, is he from the Bronx?) edging out late-leading favorite Francis Arinze of Nigeria, emerged from a puff of white smoke as Pope Benedictus XVI today, after the 115 members of the conclave toked from a giant Vatican hookah for the 2nd day straight (come on, Arinze - puff puff pass.)

Reuters reported that Irish bookmaker Paddy Power had Ratzinger at "3-1 two days ago. Now he's down to 6-1 and 11-2, so he's sliding all the time. People aren't putting money on him anymore" while "Arinze, 72, had leapt to first place on Paddy Power's site and to second place on both William Hill's and Intertops."

So if you stuck it out with Ratzy, nice job. Now he'll make sure you go to hell for gambling, along with gays, readers of the DaVinci code, stem-cell researchers and those of you who sport a jimmy-wrap or pop birth control pills.

LA, Where Even the Bums Go To the Salon...

From the city that brings you wide-eyed midwestern transplants, with bleached blonde hair and big fake tits and aspirations to suck some low rung producer's dick for a B-movie audition, comes what could only come from a retarded place like LA: The Homeless Spa / Gym / Hair Salon / Playroom.

The Christian Science Monitor (we never understood that oxymoron, and what the fuck are they monitoring anyway? Because it gives us the creeps.) has the details on Midnight Mission, which sounds like a back-alley porn video production company but in reality is a $17 million modernist, steel and glass structure equipped with a full-sized state-of-the-art gymnasium, library, playroom (wha?), hair salon, education center, and professional kitchen.

Hey - although we appear to be cold, heartless bastards, the Semi-Regular understands that progress of a society is measured by the number of institutions it has to take care of those unable to do so by themselves (or some bullshit like that...we slept through our sociology classes), but what the fuck? This makes us want to give up everything (which admittedly, is really nothing) and be homeless in LA. Sure beats sucking a dick for a dolla (so we've heard)...