Friday, April 15, 2005

Red Sox Fan Deserves An Ass-Whupping (or at least a late-nite phone call at home)

So we're watching the Yankees - Red Sox game last nite and what the fuck happens in the 8th inning? Some fucking moron at Fenway decides to interfere with the play and smacks Sheffield in the face as he chases a live ball, which is clearly in play, down the right field seats.

Now Ron Artest aftermath or not, we'd be fucking pissed if we were Sheffield. Here's a game that's hanging in the balance and some fucking smegma-dicked turd decides to hit us in the face when we're trying to do our job? Hmm...we say "fuck that".

Well, the play winds up scoring 2 Red Sox runs and decides the game in their favor. So if you're like mostly everyone else outside of Boston and are sick of hearing about the goddamn "miraculous, curse-breaking" Red Sox World Series win from last year, feel free to let CHRISTOPHER ("Chris") HOUSE of DORCHESTER, MA know what a fucking douchebag he is and that you've sodomized his fianceé with his brother's highschool basketball trophy. Seriously. Please call him (even though AP is reporting that calls to his listed phone number leads to a message that his voicemailbox is full, it's fun to wake him at all hours of the night!) and send your regards.

(and yes, Chris, your phone number is publicly available)

Or, you could try contacting his fianceé, who the Boston Herald kindly notes is Jodi Ingebritson, founder of a little webshop curiously named "Abl@zing Designs" (the "@" makes it cool and high-tech.) We think a particularly effective campaign would be to send messages to her email account asking her to withhold sex from little Chris until he learns his lesson (proper atonement would be his absence at future Yankees games at Fenway, seeing that he's a season ticket holder.)

Thanks Jodi! We appreciate your help. We would be inclined to feel a little bad for you here, but then again, you are marrying this jackass....

Go Yankees! Fuck you Chris House! Oh, c'mon Chris - lest we get carried away here, we're just having a little fun with you. You know we're only kidding, right? Well, not really...but we sure feel better after our little rant.

Sweeeeet Bong, Man....

The Times Argus in Vermont is reporting that Nickolas Buckalew, 17, was arrested for exhuming a three year-old corpse and removing it's head. Why would the Morrisville teen need to steal a human skull from a gravesite?

"Court documents said the suspect allegedly talked of using the man's head as a "bong," a pipe for smoking marijuana."

He faces up to 25 years in prison for what he believes may have been the sweetest bong ever. Because you know you've never really been high unless you've smoked a bowl from a human skull.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Apparently, Being Ugly Sucks

We posted a story below that noted how uglies were less likely to get raises and get ahead in their professional careers. As if that weren't bad enough for you freaky-looking people, it turns out your parents didn't love you because you were, well, ugly.

"A researcher at the University of Alberta has shown that parents are more likely to give better care and pay closer attention to good-looking children compared to unattractive ones." Chalk it up to our natural Darwinian responses, Dr. Andrew Harrell explains.

So true - I mean, why take care of a kid that no one will want to bang in the future? And if some kindly, drunk soul with thick beer goggles does procreate with your hideous-looking it-child, are you sure you're prepared for years of faking painful, forced smiles at your horrendous looking grandspawn?