Saturday, April 09, 2005

CNN/Money Tips for Higher Salaries (Sorry uglies, fatties and shorties)

Short, overweight, needlessly smug idiot vs. lanky, homely, geeky dork? Let's call this one a draw.
CNN/Money reports on a Fed Reserve study that shows "beautiful" people make on average about 5% more in salary than their toadier counterparts. And because we love you so, no matter how nasty you look, the Semi-Regular has created this handy-dandy reference chart for you feeble-minded ugly simpletons:

-Pretty people - we get a 5% raise. if you're a man and you're tall, tack on an additional 1.8% salary increase per inch over the average height!

-Uglies - sorry, but you get hit with an additional 9% "fugly tax"!

-Fatties (ladies in particular) - you get assessed a whopping 17% chubby tariff!

Sorry, but we don't make the rules. So, if you happen to be a short, fat, ugly hermaphrodite, here's our advice - don't spend that Xmas bonus this year before you actually have it in your tiny, chubby, warty little hands. And if we may, might we suggest replacing that horrendous beak of yours with a perky little Michelle Pfieffer number, having some lipo done and scoring some lifts? And for god's sake, haven't you heard of Botox?

Friday, April 08, 2005

Please, claw my eyes out...

But really, what the fuck were you doing watching?
Photo and hysterical caption via Drudge, natch.
Oh god - my eyes! My fucking eyes!

MyWay has an AP report that chronicles the horrible fate suffered by Jackson employee Ralph Chacon:

"Former security guard Ralph Chacon said Thursday he had seen Jackson kiss, fondle and perform oral sex on a [10-year old]boy who later received a financial settlement from the pop star...The boy received a financial settlement, reportedly between $15 million and $20 million, from Jackson in 1994."

Ahh - MJ....making child prostitution lucrative again. He's all about children's rights - a true humanitarian!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

This Pussy Got Fingered...

You gotta love the Post. Here's the follow-up to a story we posted earlier this week.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Your Quote of the Week...

Jane says: She's Fonda her big clit!
...brought to you by the newly single (and apparently ginormously-clitorised) Jane Fonda (Go get'em over-50 lovers!)

"It's not easy to study your vagina. It takes commitment ... I found my clitoris, of course, and for a good year was sure it was a penis waiting to be liberated ...then Ted asked me to insert my clitoris/mini-penis into his wrinkly gray behind.." (ok, we made that last part up, but you know he did.)

The NYDN has a few more of the snippets you've always wanted to know about the former Ms. Ted Turner. And if you just can't get enough self-abuse, then by all means torture yourself with her new autobiography.

Kids Say: 0ral S3x R00lz d00d!

Ahh...Google News. You bring us the news that shapes the world.

Monday, April 04, 2005

What Kind of Pussy Beats His Girlfriend?

Engorged Pussy Stretched to the Limit?
A Big one!

Vincent Pastore, aka the Soprano's "Big Pussy", put the beatdown on his girlfriend / fiancée, Lisa Regina in Little Italy this weekend.

The Post reports that Pussy "began beating Regina in the car and smashed her head against the dashboard," and "then stopped his SUV in front of 284 Mott St., dragged her out of the vehicle by her hair and slammed her to the ground, where she injured her tailbone."

What gets this pussy all hot and bothered? According to Regina's lawyer Jeff Schwartz, Pussy was "enraged and accused the 44-year-old woman of delaying the start of their journey by being late." (to visit her parents)

So there you have it. No Pussy likes a late comer. (Oh, we couldn't help ourselves.)