Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The Tao Of Britney


The Oracle of Spears, in repose
The media has been all over the current Michael Jackson pedophile case but the one savvy media pundit who has been conspicuously absent is the sagacious Britney Spears - until now.

Like pearls of wisdom from a scholarly grandmaster, Britney proclaims to Allure magazine, "He needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'"

Teach us more, master.

And so proclaimeth the wise barefoot sage of gas station bathrooms: "And if he didn't do those things, I feel sorry for him. Either way, he needs to get in a fight."

Your insights continue to astound us.

Apparently, the Oracle of Spears later decided that she was not pleased with the quotes attributed to her in Allure. She decreed that "...In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art".

Ahh yes, her art. Touché, Britney. Your brilliance knows no bounds.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Jerking Off Online Just Got Easier


The Sound of One Hand Mousing
IBM annouced that they've developed a mouse adaptor that helps the user to engage in the incredibly awkward (and yet, extremely popular) activity of masturbating while computing.

The breakthrough came when engineers developed an algorithm that reduces "hand tremors" (much like the ones utilized by image stabilization sensors on video cameras).

Yeah, OK. Fine. It was really developed to help those who suffer from hand tremors caused by Parkinson's and such. But c'mon. Let's not miss the forest for the trees here, right?

Swallowing Anything At Dentist's Office Is NOT Encouraged


Sperm - Now With Extra Whitening Power
Semen appears to be the assault weapon of choice as of late. Former Charlotte, NC dentist, Dr. John "Jizzocaine" Hall, has been indicted on seven counts of assaulting women with his semen-in-a-syringe™ after six women stepped forward claiming that the Doc had made them swallow what they believed was his semen, squirted into their mouths with the aforementioned contraption.

"I have never injected semen in any patient's mouth," said Dr. Jizz. "I never would. I've got a 10-year-old daughter. That whole concept is so beyond me." (oh sure, the "I've got a 10-year old" defense...)

Unfortunately for the Doc, the police confiscated syringes from his office which DNA tests subsequently found to contain traces of one John Hall's semen. D'oh.

So let this be a lesson for you all. Never - EVER - swallow anything at the dentist's office. Hell - I've only ever heard the dentist ask me to spit.

P.S. - kudos to you if you know these women. Apparently, they suck a lot of dick and are so familiar with the taste of semen that they can place it even when squirted into the backs of their mouths with a syringe.