Thursday, March 10, 2005

I Said I Like Nuts In It, Not Nut Sauce...

Otis Spunkmeyer Brownies
We're coming across a theme here at the Semi-Regular this week - semen filled pastries!

This time, instead of a horse-jizz cream pie (which, in our book, wins the creativity bake-off), a Coeur d'Alene, Idaho teen decides to season a batch of brownies with his freshly squeezed nut sauce, which was subsequently eaten by three other teens he sent it to.

What would prompt someone to add his very own baby batter to a bowl of brownie batter (well, besides the obvious humor and highjinks guaranteed to ensue)? Apparently, in a game of food terrorism one-up-manship, our teenage Pillsbury Doughboy decided to spread some poppin' fresh spunk to the brownies after the recipient of said brownies had put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich a few days earlier. According to the police report, he "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain."

Oh. That scale of escalation makes sense.

Defense Attorney: So let me get this straight, you added your own semen to brownies and fed those to the victims?
Teen: Yes sir.
Defense Attorney: And why did you do that?
Teen: Well, they put peanut butter on my cheese sandwich.
Defense Attorney: That's terrible - how did that make you feel?
Teen: Well, I HATE peanut butter.
Defense Attorney: Well, did you think your friends like the taste of your semen?
Teen: Uh...I...uh...dunno. But they did eat all the brownies,
Defense Attorney: No further questions your honor.


No one should tell him about these, or else Little Debbie might be on the receiving end of some sperm-filled Ring Dings.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Horse Jizz Pie Flinging Editor Hates On Pope

We don't know how many of you follow the New York media (incestuous, self-absorbed cesspool that it is - that's why we love it!) so in case you missed it, New York Press Editor-in-Chief Matt Taibbi was fired yesterday for his article "The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope."

Blah blah fucking blah. Who gives a shit, right?

Well, we didn't really either. But the NY Post (that paragon of highbrow journalism) reported that this wasn't the first time Matt got the NY Media all riled up. The Post reports that "In 2001, while editor of the wacky, ex-pat magazine the Exile, Taibbi burst into the Moscow office of The New York Times and flung a cream pie filled with horse sperm into the face of bureau chief Michael Wines."

So many questions to ask! Did he fly all the way to Moscow just to fling the jizz pie? How did he sneak into the building carrying a jizz pie unnoticed? Where do you get a horse jizz pie? (That must be a lot of horse jizz!) Did he make the pie in Russia or did he make it in NY and get it onto the plane somehow? Was he tempted to taste it? And Michael, since you were on the receiving end of that facial, how did it taste?

Now if we could get the New York media to answer those questions, we'd finally have some news that's fit to print.