Friday, February 18, 2005

Candy Canes, Barber Poles, MJ's Penis

A representation of MJ's Pee Pee
News flash: Michael Jackson's penis looks like a barber pole.

The NY Post reports that P.I. Ernie Rizzo, "a former Chicago police detective who has seen photographs of Jackson's genitals taken by cops in 1993, claims that because Jackson 'bleaches' his body twice a week, distinctive markings on his penis are visible when he is aroused.

'It looks like a barber's pole,' Rizzo tells PAGE SIX. 'That's exactly what it looks like. The first kid and all the other kids who have seen his penis know that there are brown circles around it.'"

Note to MJ: Why not try the bleach when you have a woody. C'mon, that's just dick bleaching common sense 101.

Little children everywhere now have a new reason to fear haircuts.

That is all. Please resume vomitting.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Florida Is For Lovers (and Felons)

Her Name Says It All...
It's Valentine's Day and you don't have that special someone to spend it with. Your family doesn't care about you and you asked your mother to stop giving you Valentine's Day cards years ago after you were beaten up at school that one time (and since the "I'm Falling For You Card" from her was kinda weird, especially when she got drunk and kept saying that "you were so grown-up now" and were the "real man in the house"). You can't get a date and your parole keeps you from cruising the 'hood for skanky hookers. And you definitely can't afford an escort.

What to do?

Never fear - The Smoking Gun's "Hottest Felons" are here! Need a girl who's barely legal, has got the hook up with the weed and some blow, and knows how to boost a new ride for you? Well, come on down to Florida! Central Florida seems to be where the action is to get your felon fantasy on. And ladies - this includes you too! We know you've seen Caged Heat and Reform School Girls and want to get your women-in-prison freak on.

Don't say we never did anything for you. You're welcome.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Semi-Regular