Saturday, February 12, 2005

Tom Sizemore, the Whizzinator

The Whizzinator
Tom Sizemore, The Whizzinator
You can't make this shit up.

Tom Sizemore, known for smacking the shit out of people in movies and for smacking the shit out of ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss in real life, is now the dude in Hollywood who pees for parole officers with a piss-filled dildo.

Our boy Tommy, on parole for doing some bitch-slapping and some crank, was caught cheating on his urine test with a "prosthetic penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack". WHOA - did you get all that? That is some fucking setup.

Apparently, these units are sold online, under the name....wait for it......the Wizzinator. As you can see, it comes in a variety of colors / ethnicities from white, tan, latino, brown and black, and can be loaded with "clean" freeze-dried urine and warmed up with heating packs - all of which is sewn up in a pair of tighty-whities!

The best part of the story? - and believe me, it was hard to choose - LA Deputy City Attorney Robert Cha says that this isn't the first time they've caught Sizemore pissing with the Whizzinator.

Wha!?!!?! They've caught him pissing with an elaborate fake penis setup before?!?!

Consider our minds blown.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Celine Dion's New Testicles Wins Her 2 Grammys

Celine Dion: "Dude Looks Like a Lady"
We were doing a little Grammy research (well not really - who gives a fuck about the Grammys?) when we stumbled upon this scary photo of a ripped Celine Dion.

Is anyone else waiting for a dick to pop out from under her dress? Holy shit. Someone should let Celine know that the performance enhancement from steroids doesn't apply to singing.


Lady Shick Needs To Make A Pit-Stop

Fab Moretti Hides in Drew's Armpit(Courtesy, Defamer).
We're lazy today and this was just too easy. The veritable treasure trove of hard-hitting news that is the UK's Sun caught Drew out on the town with some serious arm snatch. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

God Saves Fat Boy From Bullet (to Ironically Kill Him Later in Life with Heart Disease)

Thought you needed to lose some weight? Maybe you should think that over...

Being a chunker has it's upside every now and then. James "Bubba" Taylor, a 9-year old fatty, was target shooting a .38 caliber with his 44-year old neighbor (WTF?! - oh yeah, did I mention this was Florida?) when the neighbor accidentally popped a cap in the kid. The NYTimes reports that the bullet entered Bubba's right side, and traveled through his flesh without striking any organs. Bubba's Grammy Harper, who was apparently watching the whole thing, said the lil' porker didn't even originally realize he'd been shot until he looked down and saw blood.

"He's a little chunky," his grandmother, Alice Harper, told the Northwest Florida Daily News for its Tuesday editions. "Thank God."

Amen, Grammy Harper. Amen. Pass the pork rinds.

A Ballsy Move for Your Team

Now here's a story about true dedication to your team and owning up to a ballsy claim (we couldn't resist).

A Welsh rugby fan promised his friends: "If Wales win I'll cut my own balls off." Well, sadly for him (although he seemed more than willing to comply) his team did win, and with his nuts!

ThisisLondon reports that after the win, "the man is reported to have gone outside and severed his testicles before bringing them back into the club to show fellow drinkers."

Well at least his balls will no longer be subject to much harrassment and grabbing when he is on the rugby pitch. For those of you who haven't experienced the joy of rugby firsthand, it's quite common to have fingers jammed in your ass (a la "the shocker") and your nuts grabbed in the scrum. (A quick peek at Google's results will give you a taste).

One observer notes, "But I guess in seriously competitive rugby, not only is the wedgie acceptible, but it seems to be fairly common practice in regular play. Who knew? Further, this bit with the finger in the pooper is a dramatic escalation of sports related warfare on the battlefield of the crotch. And this bit with the testicle grabbing?!?! That's Ok?!?!?! What up with that?"

"This sort of thing is why American's don't understand rugby. 'So let me get this straight... it's kinda like football, kinda like soccer, a little bit like a streetfight, and what's all this about putting fingers in each other's asses?!?!'"