Friday, January 28, 2005

Wow - This Smells Like Bullshit (Really? We didn't notice....)

We knew there was a reason (actually, there are a ton of them - in this particular case, 2000 tons) why we'd never want to live in the red state heartland that is the Midwest.

Dave Dickinson, who runs a huge cow lot that fattens up cows for the slaughter has a 2000 ton pile of bullshit measuring 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide that's been on fire for over 2 months. He claims not to mind the smell, "I guess it's just all perspective," he said. "To me, it just smells like smoke. I really don't know how to describe it."

So there you have it. The people who chose your president are people who can't smell bullshit, even when they're sitting on 2000 tons of it. Sad, isn't it? No wonder Bushy was able to lay it on thick and fool the simpletons. *Sigh*.

CNN has the story here.

Pissing Your Way To Freedom!

Perhaps the best news story ever - a harrowing tale of chugging beers to save one's own life:

Richard Kral, a Slovak man, was tearing ass through the Slovak Tatra mountains in his Audi, with 60 half-liter bottles of beer (natch - he's on vacation!) when he got buried under an avalanche.

Rescue teams found him four days later, drunk and stumbling around the site of the avalanche. Our boy Richard, the Slovakian MacGyver (and champion beer drinker), quickly realized that he could drink all the beers and then piss his way out of the snowy tomb he was encased in.

He explains, "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Huzzah! Let this be lesson to all of you. Never, ever travel without 5 cases of beer in your back seat. Really, it's for your own safety....

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Don't Expect to See These Bits at Carson's Memorial


Johnny Jolson?
While everyone collectively kisses the cold, dead ass of Johnny Carson this week, we at the Semi-Regular have, uh, exhumed two clips from the Tonite Show that you probably won't be seeing in any Carson retrospectives this week, courtesy of Panopticist.com

The video is a might long, with commentary from some dude on a Manhattan public access channel (no, not Robyn Byrd or Al Goldstein). In case you're too busy or lazy to watch the whole thing, here are the synopses:

1st Clip: In what seems improvised, Johnny confronts Don Rickles on set for breaking his cigarette box and sees a black actor, to whom he randomly shouts, "Hey, a black man! Yo, black man! How's it goin' there, daddy?" and "jives" him into giving him some skin. On the side to Don, he then says "Hang him". Afterwards, he returns to the black actor and says "Hope you kept the cotton mill down south, come January you're gonna be out of a job..."

2nd Clip: A "half" black face skit, where the "soul side" of Johnny breaks into ebonics.

Word has it that Leno, in a tribute to the comic stylings of the late Johnny, will burn a cross on the Tonite Show. Hilarity ensues!

Ahhh....you've come a long way, baby.

Monday, January 24, 2005

A real live talking, singing, dancing honest-to-goodness douchebag!


Mark Mathis, Douchebag!
For those of you who've never seen a real douchebag that can do tricks, here's one that can talk, sing (rap) and dance! (Take that, Midsummer's Eve)!

Here's a video highlight reel of weatherman Mark Mathis, formerly of the Fox News affiliate in Charlotte, NC. It's about 4 minutes of pure, unadulterated, dipshittery! (And sorta fun if you're a masochist! Seriously though, it's mildly amusing, but the Semi-Regular is not liable for any headaches or vaginal irritation caused by this douchebag.)

In an article about his demise (or salvation? we didn't care enough about this turd to actually read the whole story) he blames his tailspin on drinking.

Don't do that, Mark. You're ruining it for the rest of the alcoholics out there.

Thanks BoingBoing!

UPDATE: Well, it appears that weathermen are a notoriously unstable bunch. There's been a slew of other clips that have surfaced over at BoingBoing regarding whacked out weathermen, but this one is nice - a little tourettes with your weather keeps things lively.


Poo Flag


A Turd in the Bush is worth...
We never thought that the words "teutonic sense of humor" would actually refer to something that would make us laugh, but I gotta hand it to the clever Germans who are planting little flags depicting Bush and mini-US flags into streetside piles of dogshit. I mean, c'mon, that is just plain funny!

Police spokesman Reiner Kuechler explained, "we have sent out extra patrols to try to catch whoever is doing this in the act. But frankly, we don't know what we would do if we caught them red handed."

Oh, relax. For those of you who want to scream that we here at the Semi-regular hate America, it's just that you hate comedy. And yes, this is comedy.

A little help, Daddy?

Good thing Daddy is there to explain to the world what Lil' Bushy really meant (or rather, what his speechwriters and puppet masters wanted him to say) during his inaugural address last week.

As the world wondered if Lil' Bushy's speech signaled a strengthening of the U.S.'s stand on aggressiveness and self-importance in regards to it's go-it-alone US Foreign policy to "spread freedom" across the globe, Daddy Bush quickly stepped in to "informally" clarify to reporters (in the White House briefing room, no less) what his son really meant last Thursday.

Easy there Daddy Bush. You're going to piss off Dick. I'm sure Dick will tell you that there's only space for ONE hand up this puppet's ass and that'd be Dick's. If that's not clear enough, let's revisit this picture one more time to make sure that everone knows that behind every wispy Bush is a pudgy Dick.

MILF is coolest mom ever

Having missed out on popularity in high school, Sylvia Johnson, of Arvada, CO decided that being a 40 year old milf would make up for it. Unfortunately for her (and milf-lovers) she was arrested in December for supplying amphetamines, weed, alcohol and her slightly well-traveled vagina to 8 boys in her suburban home over 2003 and 2004.

It all came crashing down on her when one of the boys told his mom about how cool Mrs. Johnson was. When Sylvia Johnson, milf extraordinaire, was arrested, she explained that she was not popular in high school and had finally started "feeling like one of the group". She pleaded her case to the arresting officer, claiming that she was just a "cool mom".

We can hear it now, "Shit, mom! Why did you have to have Mrs. Johnson arrested? Fuck, why can't you be a cool mom like Mrs. Johnson, and give us weed and meth and beer and fuck my friends? C'mon! Jeesus!"

The kid's got a point...