Saturday, April 09, 2005

CNN/Money Tips for Higher Salaries (Sorry uglies, fatties and shorties)

Short, overweight, needlessly smug idiot vs. lanky, homely, geeky dork? Let's call this one a draw.
CNN/Money reports on a Fed Reserve study that shows "beautiful" people make on average about 5% more in salary than their toadier counterparts. And because we love you so, no matter how nasty you look, the Semi-Regular has created this handy-dandy reference chart for you feeble-minded ugly simpletons:

-Pretty people - we get a 5% raise. if you're a man and you're tall, tack on an additional 1.8% salary increase per inch over the average height!

-Uglies - sorry, but you get hit with an additional 9% "fugly tax"!

-Fatties (ladies in particular) - you get assessed a whopping 17% chubby tariff!

Sorry, but we don't make the rules. So, if you happen to be a short, fat, ugly hermaphrodite, here's our advice - don't spend that Xmas bonus this year before you actually have it in your tiny, chubby, warty little hands. And if we may, might we suggest replacing that horrendous beak of yours with a perky little Michelle Pfieffer number, having some lipo done and scoring some lifts? And for god's sake, haven't you heard of Botox?