Thursday, March 10, 2005

I Said I Like Nuts In It, Not Nut Sauce...

Otis Spunkmeyer Brownies
We're coming across a theme here at the Semi-Regular this week - semen filled pastries!

This time, instead of a horse-jizz cream pie (which, in our book, wins the creativity bake-off), a Coeur d'Alene, Idaho teen decides to season a batch of brownies with his freshly squeezed nut sauce, which was subsequently eaten by three other teens he sent it to.

What would prompt someone to add his very own baby batter to a bowl of brownie batter (well, besides the obvious humor and highjinks guaranteed to ensue)? Apparently, in a game of food terrorism one-up-manship, our teenage Pillsbury Doughboy decided to spread some poppin' fresh spunk to the brownies after the recipient of said brownies had put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich a few days earlier. According to the police report, he "hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than he could explain."

Oh. That scale of escalation makes sense.

Defense Attorney: So let me get this straight, you added your own semen to brownies and fed those to the victims?
Teen: Yes sir.
Defense Attorney: And why did you do that?
Teen: Well, they put peanut butter on my cheese sandwich.
Defense Attorney: That's terrible - how did that make you feel?
Teen: Well, I HATE peanut butter.
Defense Attorney: Well, did you think your friends like the taste of your semen?
Teen: Uh...I...uh...dunno. But they did eat all the brownies,
Defense Attorney: No further questions your honor.


No one should tell him about these, or else Little Debbie might be on the receiving end of some sperm-filled Ring Dings.