Friday, December 10, 2004

Prison Sucks...


The MacGyver of Jailhouse Weapons
Obviously, for many reasons, not least of which is many a sleepless night keeping a vigilant eye out for your cornhole.

But you also have to keep an eye out for the inventive prisoners who resort to improvised weapons like sharpened pork chop bones to stab with and ejaculated nut sauce to fling at government employees. Yowza.

REHEAT MY SANDWICH, BITCH, OR I KILL YOU

In the 80s, we had road rage. But this is the 21st century folks, and we're too sophisticated for that bullshit, because now, we have...sandwich rage.

A Houston, TX man was so pissed that his steak sammy was cold that he decided to threaten a homicidal hissy fit. What happened to threatening to just open up a can of whup ass if you didn't get what you wanted? This guy was ready to go Al Qaeda on her ass.

He's probably better off not having eaten that sandwich. We all know what happens when you send food back, especially to a sweaty, drunk short order cook who makes minimum wage standing in front of a hot fucking griddle all day... "did you say you wanted fromunda cheese on that?"

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Marketing for the Indigent 101


Fucking Ninjas....
Panhandlers are a dime a dozen in the city, but occasionally someone will have a pretty good racket going and a sign that'll make you chuckle. This dude, for example, is going with an appeal for self-empowerment.

One of my all-time favs is this guy. I actually remember seeing him a few times in midtown and once, I was witness to some drunk i-banker who had apparently paid him the two bucks and was just fucking railing - about his wife, his job, his boss - blaming it all on our senior statesman of street urchins. After angry guy was done, he politely thanked homeless guy and tipped him an extra few bucks for listening. And who said NYers weren't nice? It sure beats the shit out of paying for a shrink.

Americans Crushing Things With Fat Asses, Not Military Might

Well it's good to see that the rest of the world thinks Americans are still good at something. A spokesman for the builders of the QM2 noted that they've had to replace a number of chairs in the 10 restaurants onboard due to Americans and their fat asses literally crushing them.

No more Krispy Kremes for us today.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Obituary: Meat Packing District

It's sad to see our ol' nabe ruined by bridge and tunnelers, eurotrash, and pseudo-hipster wannabes. We knew it was only a matter of time before our beloved West Village / Meat Packing District was completely overrun with assholes - it's been happening for years. All that remains now is a lame WB teen drama set in the nabe to completely signal its demise. Sigh.