Friday, November 12, 2004

The Convict Cookbook: Missing Martha's Recipe for Bearded Clams?

It looks like someone beat Martha to the punch. Inmates at the Washington State Penitentiary have just published the "The Convict Cookbook".

The 163-page book contains recipes for items such as Po' Mans Burritos, Cell Block Fudge, Jail Mix, Dope Fiend Sandwich and Prizzon Po Carcass Casserole. Umm..hold on a sec there. There's a recipe for Cell Block Fudge? I don't want to know what the fuck that is, but suffice it to say, my brain is fearfully concocting an image derived from multiple viewings of OZ.

CNN gives the details of the "Blue Mountain Crabbie" which includes combining canned crab, crushed crackers, cream cheese, mayonnaise and a few other ingredients in a plastic bag and hanging that outside a cell window during winter to chill.

Canned crab? What the fuck? And you call this prison?

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Ashcroft - New Latino Version Now Available!


Hispanics Create Ashcroft Clone!
Apparently, there is no run on potential assholes to fill vacancies in the Bush administration.

If you're Bushy, what do you do when one of your biggest pricks steps down from their post? Why, you go to the hometeam in Texas, where they apparently have idiots in spades! (Ok, not everything from Texas sucks - We have a few friends from there and of course, greatest band ever Spoon hails from Texas's culture capital of Austin - but there are a disproportionate number of jackasses hailing from the Lonestar state).

So, let's take a look at Senor Gonzales's record (via MyWay News):

-Repudiate Supreme Court's opinion on detaining suspects without access to lawyers or courts? - CHECK!
-Support Bushy on the right to waive anti-torture law and international treaties providing protections to prisoners of war (Abu Ghraib ring a bell?) - CHECK!
-Raise the concern of fellow conservatives who question whether this former partner in a Houston law firm which represented the scandal-ridden energy giant Enron will continue squashing the civil rights of Americans? - CHECK!

Good job! You passed the Bush administration litmus test, Alberto!

Some of you may be thinking, blah blah fucking blah. Who cares? What, is The Semi-Regular now a fucking political blog? Is this some half-assed Wonkette?

Ok...we'll try to focus more on the Tara Reid and Paris Hilton news that you all apparently love so much.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Ahh...Makes Me Feel All Warm and Fuzzy Inside

Fuckety fuck fuck fuck! Well, "Fuck the South", indeed!

A mystery writer chimes in to gracefully articulate why the Northeast Liberal Elite is better than Southern / Bible Belt "America".

"Well, uh, y'all are uh, just a buncha homo-lovin', America-hatin', No-god-fearin', liberal Jews and such, with all y'all interminglin' with minorities and such, you fuckin' liberal North Eastern Yankee," one might blubber upon reading this treatise (if one were of the Southern persuasion).

To which one might smile and respond by saying, "Bingo, you bible-thumping, sister-humping, oxycontin-sucking, uneducated hick!"

An entertaining and yet educational rant? Someone get this wo/man a history textbook deal, stat - there's teaching to be done!

Oh come on, now. Where's your sense of humor? You know us Northeastern Liberals just like to have fun with you. You got to have your joke by foisting Bushy upon us for another 4, now it's our turn!

Thanks Apt11 for the heads up.

----

Update:
A reader (from the South, no less!) has sent us this brilliant best ever flash game for us to enjoy! Join Mr. T, Hulk Hogan (in perhaps his most heartfelt role ever), Howard Dean and others to defeat Bushy and friends while learning some more fun facts on how we were fucked! How can you not love a game in which one level has you trying to stop George Sr. from delivering a viagra-laden load into his wife/mother-figure Barbara, who's uterus is working overtime to spit out Bush progeny! When Christopher Reeve rolls out and asks if you captured any of the stem cells that may have leaked from Barbara's vagina, it's a touching and powerful moment that makes it all the more worthwhile. Fun for everyone!

Productivity in Tech Sector Grinds to a Halt

As of this morning right after midnight, there were 2 million less guys writing code, hacking servers, reading Slashdot, jerking off to internet porn, and otherwise generally dorking around. Halo 2 has arrived and is lining Bill Gates's pocket nicely.

If you didn't pre-order a copy, good luck finding one.


Wired News reports.

One Asshole Down...Still a Few More to Go.

To the dismay of freakishly ignorant conservative christians and right-wing zealots everywhere, John Ashcroft let Bushy know that he was going to be leaving his position as Attorney General to direct his fucking up and meddling towards "other challenging horizons", which presumably means he'll be infringing on the civil liberties of other people besides just ordinary Americans.

In a five page letter to Bush (which we all know he won't read) Ashcroft states: "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved".

Uh huh. Right.

He must've used the same guy who crapped out the idea for Bushy's "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner to dish up this steaming load of hay-riddled horseshit.

Let's hope those other "challenging horizons" he's looking to pursue doesn't involve more singing. Eeesh.


The NYTimes has the story.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Nation Getting Back To Normal

It was comforting to see that the news headlines are slowly moving away from coverage of our election to stories that really show America is on the right track.

Here's a photo of Tammy Imre (courtesy of the folks over at Amber Alert). The question is, would you do this woman? Maybe if you were an eight year old boy. Yep, 8. The Stamford Advocate up in CT has this heartwarming story of Tammy, a 29 year old woman who made a lover out of her 7 year old daughter's playpal.

Naughty time was discovered when the mother of the boy (well, technically, he's a man now, right?) found this note, which had Tammy saying she didn't "want anyone but you. Now tomorrow it's supposed to rain, you can come over we can (you know what)."

No, I don't know what. Enlighten us, Tammy!

Good news is, it's not just a recess-time fling for Tammy and her boy-man. She told investigators that she plans on marrying her 8-year old boyfriend someday. Happy endings for everyone. Yay!

Mary Kay LeTourneau ain't got shit on our girl Tammy!

Battle of the Skanks!

Yes, I'm back after a nice long weekend. And we're kicking off Monday with some old news from Friday, but I'm sure you won't mind as we kick it off with useless waste of skin, Tara Reid, showing what a bad boob job looks like.

The beauty is, she doesn't even realize that her massively disfigured tit is gulping in the night air until about a thousand camera shutters have gone off. When she did find out, she confronted a photog and threatened him over publishing the tittie-pics (as you can see, a lot of good that did - NSFW, depending on where you work, obviously.) The Daily News reports that the photog responded by saying, "'We were wondering whether we should show [useless douchebag Carson Daly (who arrived shortly afterwards)], but I said, 'He's not going to recognize those breasts anyway.'" Zing!

Skank-o-rific Paris Hilton, not be done outdone, decides to one-up Tara by flashing her muff. (via Gawker) *yawn*

The NYPost has the story here (as if one was needed!)


Just the hard-hitting news that you need people....semi-regularly....