Thursday, November 04, 2004

Bitch-smacked by Brits


Honestly, we don't know!
The Daily Mirror takes some time off from gossiping about the Royals, "Bridget Jones", and some other people we don't know or give a fuck about (what, no Beckham news this week?) to ask a question that we've all been wondering here as well.

A series of recent front pages from the Mirror here so you can see what other news we've been lumped with.

Instability About To Rock Middle East Region...Oh Wait, It's Already Fucked Up Over There

AP is reporting that Arafat is "clinically dead" but Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qurie denied the report. CNN was told by a close source to Arafat that the Palestinian President is "OK and he's resting".

As Arafat's health continues to deteriorate, the Middle East is preparing for unrest, violence, uncertainty, political instability, suicide bombers - so in other words, Friday.

Bi-polar People Like to be Naked

Ahhh. Nothing like a "Naked Man Hiding In a Plane Wheel Well" story to start the day.

ABCNews reports: "Baggage handlers saw the man climb an 8-foot, barbed-wire fence that separates public and private areas of the airport and run to a departing plane as it backed from the gate. He climbed into a wheel well before the plane stopped."

Now scaling a barbed-wire fence is dangerous enough, but doing it naked? I'd think that that barbed-wire fence would also be doing some separating of the "public and private areas" of his groin area. Youch.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

"Now that's some good shit..."

Now The Semi-Regular isn't condoning sending a "handsomely packaged box full of 100% natural, freshly-squeezed, human made crap" to half of the country's new president, but ever intrepid entrepreneurs Fecalgram did have a "post-election special" going.

Since Ashcroft is probably going to subpoena Fecalgram's customer list, you might want to go with sending lil' Bushy a bag of pretzels instead, but the thought of human turds showing up at the White House addressed to Dubya makes us chuckle. Thanks Boing Boing for the heads up.

Your Chance to Make Ohio (Black and ) Blue

While it may not change the results of the election, it sure as hell will make you feel a lot better about yourself. Anonymous Craigslist poster suggests you go out and beat the shit out of Ohio-ans who left the bland boredom of the Midwest to be pseudo-hipster wannabees in Brooklyn.

Extra kudos for beating the shit out of Ohio-ans who submitted absentee ballots for George W. Twat.

But I'd avoid this guy. He claims to be "a big strong cornfed motherfucker now [and] i am alot stronger now and will wrestle your ass down into my groin". Wrestle my ass down into his groin? What the fuck?!? Yikes.

Hmmm...More Christian Converts = More Republican Votes?


Republican Liontamer
While everyone is still focused on the results of our election, The Semi-Regular reports on the worldwide emboldening of supposedly morally superior / intellectually inferior evangelicals. MSNBC has a story about a man trying to "convert" lions to Jesus (the Christian Coalition would be so proud).

We're confident that natural selection will eventually remove this man from the worldwide gene pool. Someone should tell him about this guy named Darwin...

Time Magazine Reports on New Black Tuesday


*sigh* We are indeed.

Must have Ohio, my precious...


Must have Ohio, my precious (photo via FreakingNews.com)
As the intellectual population of this country mourns (who by and large, didn't vote for Bush), I offer up a few nuggets that will prepare us for another 4 years of absolute idiocy, gaffes, and missteps. On the bright side, late-nite television (except SNL - the new guy who took over for Ferrell as Bush SUCKS) and those people on what Bushy likes to call the "internets" will have plenty of Bush material to keep us in chuckles. Here's one that helped lessen the despair, if only momentarily.

OH FUCK


Yeehaw. Get me some pretzels.
It's official. After the Red Sox won the World Series and Dubya won a re-election bid, we're just waiting for the other two horsemen of the apocalypse. Go ahead and freak out now before the world officially comes to an end....

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Latest State Projections has Kerry as Definitive Winner (or not)

The big day is upon us. Yes, I'm talking about the official start of the NBA season. Oh yeah, and I think we're having the Electoral College and maybe the Republican-run House of Representatives and the Right-leaning Supreme Court select our next president again (and you thought it was YOUR vote that decided...you poor idealistic dumbass).

Wonkette had a little birdie crap this nugget out for them, which suggests an overwhelming victory for Kerry:

K/B

AZ 45-55
CO 48-51
LA 42-57
MI 51-48
WI 52-48
PA 60-40
OH 52-48
FL 51-48
MICH 51-47
NM 50-48
MINN 58-40
WISC 52-43
IOWA 49-49
NH 57-41

But how can you trust these numbers? I mean, hey - you forgot Poland....

Stay tuned kiddies..

Monday, November 01, 2004

Something About an Election Tomorrow?


Ohio sweat stain on back, Rhode Island displayed on undies as skidmarks
Holy fucking shit. You'd think with this amount of press coverage that tomorrow's election was a big deal or something. In a move of desperation, Dubya panders to swing voters in Ohio by displaying a sweat stain in the image of their critical battleground state.