Friday, October 29, 2004

Today's WTF!?! Story Right Here

It's not even Halloween yet, but The Semi-Regular already has some crazy-ass-fucked-up-spooky-shit to report for you!

Karen Stolzmann, 44, of Portage, Wisconsin was arrested yesterday for - wait for it - digging up her dead boyfriend's ashes and drinking the beer that had been buried with him twelve years ago!!!

Hey - exhuming a grave is hard work. I think the least that she deserves after such back breaking labor (the frozen tundra up there in Wisconsin is hard as shit - but it keeps the buried beers cold!) is a few cans of Hamm's! Cheers Karen!

CNN has the report here

NO ONE Is Having Sexual Relations With That Woman...

This is what it's come to: Monica Lewinsky not getting laid is making news.

Looks like our favorite human humidor is having a hard time getting anyone to admit to nailing her. I guess it's a tough act to follow when the last thing someone stuck in your 'gina was a chomped-on stogie, placed there by our last president, no less.

A NYPost gossip columnist had alleged last week that Perry Van Der Meer (who?) was seen getting "touchy feely" (ewwww) with Monica at a Wilco concert.

Instead of just saying, "Banging Monica? Not for me", Van Der Meer has his lawyer write a nice little letter to the Post's legal department denying the rumored relationship and asking them to make sure no one thought his dick was anywhere near that woman.

The Smoking Gun has the letter here

Bush Campaign Remembers Death of 9/11 Victim With Surprise Confetti Explosions!

And in breaking news: New Hampshire Republicans shit their pants while attending a Bush Rally today...

DrudgeReport has the developing story:

"BUSH EVENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: Event workers had been told to fire off confetti pods when Bush said, 'God Bless'... his normal closing line. But 5 minutes before the end of his speech, Bush offered a "God Bless" to Arlene Howard, mother of George Howard a Port Authority of New York/New Jersey Police Officer killed in the World Trade Center... BLAM!!!!! Everyone first ducked -- hard -- then looked up to see confetti falling. Bush looked momentarily stunned, then plain unhappy, then just went on with his speech as the confetti rained to the floor of the Verizon Wireless Arena... "

The man responsible for the confetti snafu has yet to be identified, probably because they'd like to notify his next of kin that Karl Rove has killed him.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Boo! Fun Costumes For Everyone!


Lil' Sparky Makes Abu Ghraib Look Fun! (via thestranger.com)
www.thestranger.com has some brilliant Halloween costumes for all the lil' kiddies out there who aspire to something more than Spiderman and Britney Spears (or whatever the fuck little kids want to be these days).

Really, who wouldn't rather be a Nancy Reagan in Mourning, Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, or best of all, national hero and redneck pinup-girl Lynndie England!

From thestranger.com (via boing boing)

Child Molester? Anyone? Anyone?


Principal Rooney Enjoying a Glory Hole at a Local Daycare Center
Well, it's official. Ed Rooney, Principal from one of the greatest movies ever, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, loves the taints of little boys.

The Smoking Gun has the documents detailing how Principal Rooney likes 'em young and male. But seriously, who didn't see this one coming? The reason he was so obsessed with getting Ferris was not because of his truant behavior, but because Matthew Broderick still looked like he was a teenage boy (even though he was twenty-four!) when Bueller came out.

Rooney probably wishes he hadn't uttered this immortal line from the movie to the androgynous Ferris look-alike (playing the video game at the pizza place): "Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the jig is up. Your ass is mine."

Oh Fuck, Are We Live?

British dipshit "journalist" Piers Morgan realised (clever UK spelling to tie in with story) this morning that "live broadcast" means people may actually see and hear you say something while you are speaking live on camera.

This Is London reports: "The pair were supposed to tell viewers what was coming up in the programme. Instead Morgan was seen declaring that al Qaida planned a terrorist attack to disrupt the US presidential election.

'I tell you what, I would brace yourselves for something in the next few days,' he warned.

(Co-host)Britton asked: 'Why?' and Morgan replied: 'I just think that al Qaida, with an election, I think they have been waiting for the election.'"

When producers told the Former Daily Mirror editor that he was live, he pulled this remarkable Bush Administration-worthy spin out of his ass: "I want to put everyone's minds at rest...we didn't realise we were live. Don't panic, nothing is about to happen...It's nothing new, there have been loads of rumours and speculation but I'm sure nothing will happen...Trust me, nobody tells me anything any more."

The full story here

Ripped Torn

It appears to be video clip day here at The Semi-Regular. And we love nothing more than seeing embarassing clips of "celebs" acting like retards. In this particular case, a drunk retard - the joy!

Rip Torn, who played boss-guy prick Artie on the Larry Sanders Show, is enjoying a nice evening courtesy of NYC's finest. The kicker? When he slurs that he's got witnesses that saw him only have one and a half drinks. Why do we always think the magic number of drinks to tell the cop is somewhere between 1 and 2 drinks?

Famous people always make for the funniest drunks - it must be that heady mix of their god complex and cocktails, chased with some Xanax or blow. Celebrity Justice has the clip here.

Dubya's Best Debate Move


Bush Shows He's #1
Oh, that wild and crazy little Dubya, giving what he likes to call his "one finger victory salute".

See the video clip of this clearly intelligent and capable man here (Via DrudgeReport)

Red Sox Savoring World Series Victory Now Since Team Will Suck Next Year Due to Free Agency


Let the Looting Begin
They did it for the old white people in Nashua, NH and the rich white people in Nantucket. They did it for the young white kids in Burlington, VT and the white baby boomers of Groton, Mass. They did it for the starchy white people of Greenwich, CT and even more white people in Rhode Island. And maybe for the handful of black, asian and hispanic people in New England, too (you five people know who you are - get back to work). The Red Sox sweep the Cards and ruin a couple of fun Yankee Stadium taunts normally leveled at the formerly luckless BoSox. Fuck.

News coverage here, here, here, and well, pretty much fucking everywhere for the next few days....

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

...And in Future News: Alfred Beardsley Stabbed To Death


Cochran: Not guilty? Holy shit, we fucking won!
It's been about 10 years since O.J. hacked up Nicole and Ron, but sometimes even CNN goes slumming for filler and you gotta pick that low-hanging fruit.

CNN reports that Ron Goldman's family is still trying to get OJ to cough it up for using their son as an oversize pincushion and has filed papers with the LA Superior Court to have future stabbing victim Alfred Beardsley ("friend" of OJ) testify as to the Juice's financial condition.

Apparently, Beardsley, who works in real estate, may have control over some of Simpson's property.

Alfred - got some advice for you: if you really do have control over some of the Juice's property, I'd suggest that you start exercising some control over his collection of Ginsu knives, if you know what I mean...

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Red Sox Fans Need to Get Laid as Badly as They Need to Win World Series

Red Sox fans are nothing if not good at planning ahead, which shouldn't be surprising considering since they've had 86 years to do so. Last week's Boston Craigslist had a number of Sex / Sox posts, as noted earlier here on The Semi-Regular

So if you're a Sox Fan, why not make sure you have some anonymous person to fuck while visiting St. Louis for games 3, 4, and 5? One guy went so far as to plan ahead for the possibility of a game 6 and 7 back in Boston, looking for a white-dude from St. Louis to polish his knob (because, as you probably know, there is a paucity of white guys in New England).

More posts from Craigslist St. Louis below:

Doctor looking for Asian Trim
Bostonian fan of Penthouse Forum looking forward to "Hardball and Hard Fun"

I'm sure there's more, but I'm currently tapped out on reading pleas for sex from hard-up Red Sox fans.

David and Goliath, But This Time with Tits


Zeta-Jones, big breasted bully
Reuters, and well, pretty much everyone else is reporting on the Catherine Zeta-Jones lawsuit against Reno tittie-shack, "The Spice House". Ensuing legal debacle leads to Kent Wallace, owner of The Spice House, accusing Zeta-Jones of essentially being a big-titted bully.

"We are just shocked and bemused by this. She is a big double-D and we are just B cups. She ought to pick on someone her own size," Wallace moaned to Reuters on Monday.

Reuters also reports that "One of the club's dancers has renamed herself Catherine 'Ta Ta' Jones...."

Brilliant! And who said strippers aren't clever?

Monday, October 25, 2004

"Time to quit...": 13 Years of Luna

Longtime fave NYC band Luna calls it quits and releases final album. A review of said album, Rendezvous, can be found here, via Pitchfork. Run out and get it, kiddies.

Over the next few months they'll be conducting a farewell tour. An email from them stated they'd be adding some West Coast dates as well in early 2005.

Dean Wareham gives some reasons for the breakup:

1. Rock and Roll is killing my life.
2. The Universe is Expanding.
3. There are too many bands out there, travelling around, singing their songs etc.
4. Too much time spent in 15-passenger vans. According to 20/20, these things flip over.
5. Too many hands to shake, that means germs.
6. Too many dinners at Wendy's.
7. People are dying in Iraq.
8. This is what bands do (with a few exceptions, like R.E.M. and Metallica, and the Rolling Stones). Those bands, however, are multibillion dollar corporations. You don’t break that up unless the government forces you to.
9. Hotel Electravision.
10. Time to Quit.

World Series Home Run to be Responsible for Sudden U.S. Diarrhea Epidemic


Weapons of Ass Destruction?
File under: Not a good idea

Yum Brands, which owns Taco Bell (and incidentally, one of the most misleading corporate names in history) plans on making our entire nation smell like a gigantic fart cloud.

CNN/Money reports: "If the target is hit, the company said customers can pick up their tacos on Tuesday, Nov. 9 between 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. local time. Details will be available on tacobell.com in the event of a target-hitting home run."

Well, I know where I'll be on Tuesday, Nov. 9 between 3 and 6PM, which is to say nowhere downwind of a Taco Bell.

Someone from the Department of Homeland Security should investigate whether or not Yum Brands has any links to Al Qaeda. If their "free Crunchy Beef Taco for everyone in the U.S." doesn't constitute a severe biological terror threat to America, then I don't know what does.

CNN/Money has the story here.

Breaking Science News: Alcohol fucks up bees AND humans. Wow.

"Alcohol affects bees and humans in similar ways -- it impairs functioning along with learning and memory processing," study co-author Julie Mustard, a postdoctoral researcher in entomology, said in a prepared statement.

A groundbreaking study by Ohio State University researchers confirms, based on getting a bunch of bees wasted, that alcohol consumption may lead to intoxication and impair our ability to function properly. No fucking shit.

Their follow-up study will focus on confirming the controversial "beer-goggle theory", which was hypothesized when they noticed the drunk worker bees were so wasted that 156 of them shamefully recalled nailing the colony's "fugly" Queen Bee, who's only sexual history prior to this was giving a few teenage bees a "wing-job" under the beehive bleachers.

Article via Forbes.com

Milli Vanilli sez: "Girl You Know It's True (ooh ooh, you suck too....)

Are we supposed to be surprised by this? Ashlee Simpson, talentless younger sister of similarly untalented Jessica Simpson caught in lip-syncing fiasco on SNL this weekend.

It looks like they had queued up the same song that she had already "performed" as her first song, and she had this look like, um, what the fuck? Didn't I already just fake-sing this song like 20 minutes ago? And then the kicker - she's standing around like the sister of a retard when her vocal track starts playing.

So what do you do when you're in that situation? Dance around like you're a mildly retarded leprechaun - of course!

Best of all? At the end of the show, she has the balls to address the audience and blame her band for playing the wrong song. I don't know who the bigger loser is - Ashlee or a "band" that backs a lip-synching tart. But clearly, we're the lucky winners here. I watched the clip of her shameful "performance" multiple times, giggling gleefully.

Thank god for Tivo (and iFilm) or I would've missed this enjoyable little nugget of shame.

UPDATE:
Who would have thought that Ashlee's pre-teen girlie fanbase would be so cynical and full of bitterness? The wrath of awkward 13-year-old girls everywhere comes raining down on our new favorite beleaguered Simpson sister, on her own website's message board, no less.

Oh, who are we kidding. We know these aren't her teary-eyed, heartbroken fans posting these diatribes, but rather, horny middle-aged men who were trying to Google an Ashlee Simpson nipple-slip, but came across this site instead.

Scariest. Halloween. Ever.

I guess the Brooklyn Children's Museum really wants to scare the shit out of kids this year at their annual Monster Mash and Harvestfest Halloween party, which is why the theme will be none other than scary, real-life boogeyman Michael Jackson's "Thriller Dance Party".

The good news: Michael loves children so you can bet there'll be a lot of candy. The bad news: Michael loves candy as much as children, and his favorite kind is the juicy pink Starburst, so watch out kids......ewwwww - that is SO wrong...

No word on whether the King of Pop will make an appearance, or if he'll be masturbating to this fantasy from the comforts of his own pedophilia haven at Neverland.

The NYPost has the news here.

Presidential Debates..For Me to Poop On


Triumph owning Begala
In this day and age when political spin doctors tell us idiots what our opinions should be (we're clearly too stupid to make our own assessments - well, actually, some of you actually are), it's nice to know that a puppet dog with the hand of a very funny guy up his ass can tell it like it is. God bless Triumph (and the brilliant hand up his ass, Robert Smigel).

Here's some of the choice exchanges from Triumph's spin through Spin Alley after the last presidential debate, as seen on Conan O'Brian last week:

With FoxNews' Greta Van Susteren, trying to stiffle a burst of laughter while trying to get away - Triumph: "Can I get Bill O'Reilly's phone number? Come on, I'll bring the vibrator! We'll sit in spinzone!"

Triumph speaking with a Bush spinster: "Bush was great tonite - I liked his strategy of replacing stuttering with stammering....Did he [Bush] really meet with the black caucus? I mean, seriously, c'mon, I mean, Bush and black voters go together like Yassir Arafat and circumcision...a lot of people think he [Bush] should appeal a lot more to women because he is a douche..."

Triumph on Kerry: "Is Kerry a flip-flopper?...oh come on, on certain issues he's tried more odd positions than a great dane trying to bang a chihuahua"

On douchebag Ralph Reed: "Ralph Reed - who used to pimp the Christian Coalition, now he reeks of Bush more than a kd lang mosh pit."

Chasing Ralph down on the issue of gay marriage: "if you're going to be against gay rights then you better take that pole out of your ass."

And finally, the zinger, with huge wuss Paul Begala: "I'm not a puppet - no self respecting man would go to an event like this and prop up a puppet, except maybe for Dick Cheney."

See the entire clip, possibly the funniest shit ever on late-nite teevee at iFilm

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Democrats on Florida Strategy: Send in Cher and Rosie O'Donnell

What do you do when you're trying to galvanize a critical swing state in one of the most highly contested elections in well, 4 years? You send in your secret weapons, CHER and ROSIE O'DONNELL. DUH!

After weak turnouts at both events, O'Donnell told the crowd: "You know, there's only like, you know, maybe 38 of us here and maybe we can just like tap a keg and put on some disco, and totally party."

Rosie then bulldozed her way into a tangential rant about Star Jones (and why not?), implying her recent weight loss was due to some vacuum fat suckage, but then stopped herself saying, "And I'm gonna leave it there because I see that camera rolling. And all the Kerry thing will go away and it'll be 'Rosie O'Donnell Attacks Star Jones!' And in the Enquirer it'll be 'Crazy Lesbian Goes Insane At A Kerry Rally.'"

Umm...I doubt you'll be seeing that headline. I mean, honestly, do you think the Cheneys would let Mary do such a thing?

Via DrudgeReport

Rosie's Rant
Cher left wondering, Where's the Love?

File Under: WTF - British Sailor openly practices Satanism, about to get ass royally kicked while serving on British navy boat

Our friends across the pond have upped the ante on religious freedom. Apparently, it is now totally kosher to practice your God Satan-given right to worship the devil and follow the "Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth" aboard a Royal Navy Ship.

"I am utterly shocked by this," Conservative parliamentarian Anne Widdecombe told Reuters.

"Satanism is wrong. Obviously the private beliefs of individuals anywhere including the armed forces are their own affair but I hope it doesn't spread," she said (while vigorously promoting the right of Christians in powerful governments everywhere to spread those exact private beliefs and embark on moral and religious crusades to kill those who hold differing private beliefs than those held by said governments).

But has she actually read the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth? Am I crazy or are these Satan worshippers actually making some fucking sense? I dunno, but if you ask me, they sound like damn fine rules (minus the one about the magic - um, WTF? And what's this about not harming small children? Are you sure that you worship the devil if the joy of harming helpless little children is verboten?)

Fuck, I might even become a Satanist if this is what it's all about (except I won't wear those ridiculous black hooded robes and those goat masks are just plain retarded). After reading the Nine Satanic Statements, Satan actually sounds like a pretty good guy.

CNN article

Church of Satan Website