Thursday, April 21, 2005

Bennifer, Part Deux

Bennifer Waits for the Short Bus
Looks like the former Mr. B-Lo is wising up and hedging his bets. The NYPost's Page Six reports that for the second coming of the Bennifer phenomenon, Affleck decided to give Jennifer Garner a 4.5 carat Harry Winston rock instead of the 6.1 carat pink Harry Winston diamond that he bestowed upon the queen of budonkadonk herself, Ms. Lopez. Meanwhile, Harry Winston laughs all the way to the bank and waits for the next woman to fall prey to a career-ending marriage to Ben Affleck.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

New Pope (Similar to, but not as tasty as Original Formula)

"Eat Papal Shit Bookies! What? I don't get a cut?"
Blah blah blah...something about a new Pope?

Joe Ratzinger (what, is he from the Bronx?) edging out late-leading favorite Francis Arinze of Nigeria, emerged from a puff of white smoke as Pope Benedictus XVI today, after the 115 members of the conclave toked from a giant Vatican hookah for the 2nd day straight (come on, Arinze - puff puff pass.)

Reuters reported that Irish bookmaker Paddy Power had Ratzinger at "3-1 two days ago. Now he's down to 6-1 and 11-2, so he's sliding all the time. People aren't putting money on him anymore" while "Arinze, 72, had leapt to first place on Paddy Power's site and to second place on both William Hill's and Intertops."

So if you stuck it out with Ratzy, nice job. Now he'll make sure you go to hell for gambling, along with gays, readers of the DaVinci code, stem-cell researchers and those of you who sport a jimmy-wrap or pop birth control pills.

LA, Where Even the Bums Go To the Salon...

From the city that brings you wide-eyed midwestern transplants, with bleached blonde hair and big fake tits and aspirations to suck some low rung producer's dick for a B-movie audition, comes what could only come from a retarded place like LA: The Homeless Spa / Gym / Hair Salon / Playroom.

The Christian Science Monitor (we never understood that oxymoron, and what the fuck are they monitoring anyway? Because it gives us the creeps.) has the details on Midnight Mission, which sounds like a back-alley porn video production company but in reality is a $17 million modernist, steel and glass structure equipped with a full-sized state-of-the-art gymnasium, library, playroom (wha?), hair salon, education center, and professional kitchen.

Hey - although we appear to be cold, heartless bastards, the Semi-Regular understands that progress of a society is measured by the number of institutions it has to take care of those unable to do so by themselves (or some bullshit like that...we slept through our sociology classes), but what the fuck? This makes us want to give up everything (which admittedly, is really nothing) and be homeless in LA. Sure beats sucking a dick for a dolla (so we've heard)...

Friday, April 15, 2005

Red Sox Fan Deserves An Ass-Whupping (or at least a late-nite phone call at home)

So we're watching the Yankees - Red Sox game last nite and what the fuck happens in the 8th inning? Some fucking moron at Fenway decides to interfere with the play and smacks Sheffield in the face as he chases a live ball, which is clearly in play, down the right field seats.

Now Ron Artest aftermath or not, we'd be fucking pissed if we were Sheffield. Here's a game that's hanging in the balance and some fucking smegma-dicked turd decides to hit us in the face when we're trying to do our job? Hmm...we say "fuck that".

Well, the play winds up scoring 2 Red Sox runs and decides the game in their favor. So if you're like mostly everyone else outside of Boston and are sick of hearing about the goddamn "miraculous, curse-breaking" Red Sox World Series win from last year, feel free to let CHRISTOPHER ("Chris") HOUSE of DORCHESTER, MA know what a fucking douchebag he is and that you've sodomized his fianceé with his brother's highschool basketball trophy. Seriously. Please call him (even though AP is reporting that calls to his listed phone number leads to a message that his voicemailbox is full, it's fun to wake him at all hours of the night!) and send your regards.

(and yes, Chris, your phone number is publicly available)

Or, you could try contacting his fianceé, who the Boston Herald kindly notes is Jodi Ingebritson, founder of a little webshop curiously named "Abl@zing Designs" (the "@" makes it cool and high-tech.) We think a particularly effective campaign would be to send messages to her email account asking her to withhold sex from little Chris until he learns his lesson (proper atonement would be his absence at future Yankees games at Fenway, seeing that he's a season ticket holder.)

Thanks Jodi! We appreciate your help. We would be inclined to feel a little bad for you here, but then again, you are marrying this jackass....

Go Yankees! Fuck you Chris House! Oh, c'mon Chris - lest we get carried away here, we're just having a little fun with you. You know we're only kidding, right? Well, not really...but we sure feel better after our little rant.

Sweeeeet Bong, Man....

The Times Argus in Vermont is reporting that Nickolas Buckalew, 17, was arrested for exhuming a three year-old corpse and removing it's head. Why would the Morrisville teen need to steal a human skull from a gravesite?

"Court documents said the suspect allegedly talked of using the man's head as a "bong," a pipe for smoking marijuana."

He faces up to 25 years in prison for what he believes may have been the sweetest bong ever. Because you know you've never really been high unless you've smoked a bowl from a human skull.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Apparently, Being Ugly Sucks

We posted a story below that noted how uglies were less likely to get raises and get ahead in their professional careers. As if that weren't bad enough for you freaky-looking people, it turns out your parents didn't love you because you were, well, ugly.

"A researcher at the University of Alberta has shown that parents are more likely to give better care and pay closer attention to good-looking children compared to unattractive ones." Chalk it up to our natural Darwinian responses, Dr. Andrew Harrell explains.

So true - I mean, why take care of a kid that no one will want to bang in the future? And if some kindly, drunk soul with thick beer goggles does procreate with your hideous-looking it-child, are you sure you're prepared for years of faking painful, forced smiles at your horrendous looking grandspawn?

Saturday, April 09, 2005

CNN/Money Tips for Higher Salaries (Sorry uglies, fatties and shorties)

Short, overweight, needlessly smug idiot vs. lanky, homely, geeky dork? Let's call this one a draw.
CNN/Money reports on a Fed Reserve study that shows "beautiful" people make on average about 5% more in salary than their toadier counterparts. And because we love you so, no matter how nasty you look, the Semi-Regular has created this handy-dandy reference chart for you feeble-minded ugly simpletons:

-Pretty people - we get a 5% raise. if you're a man and you're tall, tack on an additional 1.8% salary increase per inch over the average height!

-Uglies - sorry, but you get hit with an additional 9% "fugly tax"!

-Fatties (ladies in particular) - you get assessed a whopping 17% chubby tariff!

Sorry, but we don't make the rules. So, if you happen to be a short, fat, ugly hermaphrodite, here's our advice - don't spend that Xmas bonus this year before you actually have it in your tiny, chubby, warty little hands. And if we may, might we suggest replacing that horrendous beak of yours with a perky little Michelle Pfieffer number, having some lipo done and scoring some lifts? And for god's sake, haven't you heard of Botox?

Friday, April 08, 2005

Please, claw my eyes out...

But really, what the fuck were you doing watching?
Photo and hysterical caption via Drudge, natch.
Oh god - my eyes! My fucking eyes!

MyWay has an AP report that chronicles the horrible fate suffered by Jackson employee Ralph Chacon:

"Former security guard Ralph Chacon said Thursday he had seen Jackson kiss, fondle and perform oral sex on a [10-year old]boy who later received a financial settlement from the pop star...The boy received a financial settlement, reportedly between $15 million and $20 million, from Jackson in 1994."

Ahh - MJ....making child prostitution lucrative again. He's all about children's rights - a true humanitarian!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

This Pussy Got Fingered...

You gotta love the Post. Here's the follow-up to a story we posted earlier this week.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Your Quote of the Week...

Jane says: She's Fonda her big clit!
...brought to you by the newly single (and apparently ginormously-clitorised) Jane Fonda (Go get'em over-50 lovers!)

"It's not easy to study your vagina. It takes commitment ... I found my clitoris, of course, and for a good year was sure it was a penis waiting to be liberated ...then Ted asked me to insert my clitoris/mini-penis into his wrinkly gray behind.." (ok, we made that last part up, but you know he did.)

The NYDN has a few more of the snippets you've always wanted to know about the former Ms. Ted Turner. And if you just can't get enough self-abuse, then by all means torture yourself with her new autobiography.

Kids Say: 0ral S3x R00lz d00d!

Ahh...Google News. You bring us the news that shapes the world.

Monday, April 04, 2005

What Kind of Pussy Beats His Girlfriend?

Engorged Pussy Stretched to the Limit?
A Big one!

Vincent Pastore, aka the Soprano's "Big Pussy", put the beatdown on his girlfriend / fiancée, Lisa Regina in Little Italy this weekend.

The Post reports that Pussy "began beating Regina in the car and smashed her head against the dashboard," and "then stopped his SUV in front of 284 Mott St., dragged her out of the vehicle by her hair and slammed her to the ground, where she injured her tailbone."

What gets this pussy all hot and bothered? According to Regina's lawyer Jeff Schwartz, Pussy was "enraged and accused the 44-year-old woman of delaying the start of their journey by being late." (to visit her parents)

So there you have it. No Pussy likes a late comer. (Oh, we couldn't help ourselves.)

Friday, April 01, 2005

Drudge Can't Wait for Pope to Die

Drudge was reporting earlier today that the Pope had bit the dust, but then heard that "ITALY'S SKY ITALIA QUOTING VATICAN SOURCES SAYS POPE'S BRAIN, HEART STILL FUNCTIONING... "(caps his) and then offered this time-honored journalist's excuse: "Italian media gave contradictory reports about Pope John Paul's vital signs on Friday, first saying his heart and brain activity had stopped and then reporting this was not true... Developing..."

Ok. Settle down Drudge. I guess they didn't teach you anything about independent confirmation of news from legitimate sources at fake-journalism school. Yes Matt, you have to wait patiently for the Pope to die, just like everyone else does. No one likes to be scooped on April Fools Day. Just be thankful that you'll soon be able to reuse that initial graphic and headline you had up earlier.